My roommate has a job now, finally, so I get an average of three hours alone every day after I get home from work. It's been fantastic! Of course when I finish with my own school and secure a "real" job I won't have that time, but then again, I'll be making plans to find a place by myself. I'll be a big girl!
There was this issue I haven't mentioned it in here yet because I wanted to make sure it was happening before I did? I mentioned it first in my post of 6 May and mentioned it a few times thereafter. Well, it seems like it's happening so I might as well just address it. Looks like Exh is going to ask Yo to marry him.
Yes, indeed. To marry him.
I can't begin to list the reasons why it's just an unwise decision at this juncture. Really, do I even have to?
When I first mentioned it here in early May the kiddo was having a difficult time adjusting to it. This was not because of Yo, since they get along well enough, but because of Yo's 3-yr old son. Kiddo's been an only child her whole life and seeing the amount of time her father had to spend on this boy was arousing her jealousy and insecurity. When she found out Kiddo posted a not-so-nice bulletin complete with expletives on her MySpace page, forgetting that Yo would also receive it as she was one of her Friends. (I'll admit to a secret giggle about that here, but to kiddo's face I made different noises, heh.)
In the last month Exh and I have had ample opportunity to discuss the changes. I've had a bit of time to sort through most of my own feelings about it and though they're not gone by any means, they've subsided a bit. All petty jealousies and insecurities aside, I do earnestly hope he finds in her what he didn't get from me, and that this is not the rebounding mistake it appears to be, and that he finds happiness. Everyone deserves that in their lives. More importantly, my kiddo's adjusted to it. She is very much like me in that we don't take to change easily. When confronted by any change in our routines our first instinct is to buck and resist, but when we have a while to think things through we usually come around to adjusting quite well.
I've done more than my share in helping to accomplish kiddo's adjustment. She's a very loyal person and I was aware she needed me to adjust first so she didn't fear that enjoying all that would come her way wouldn't be disloyal to me. It's been very hard for me to do that when inside I feel a host of conflicting emotions, but I've done it. I wanted to help her see that there's more benefit to be had from embracing others and letting them enrich your life than in being insular. I wanted to give her permission to enjoy benefits that could range from possibly having a half-sibling of her own as well as having Yo's son for a step-brother.
There was another incident that happened this week involving Yo's insecurities with me, but I'll leave that for another day. As it is, they probably will not marry for a year or so. He hasn't asked her yet but they've discussed it. He tells me he intends to ask her soon but also mentioned it would be a while before they actually marry because he told her to go ahead and sign a year's lease on an apartment a month ago. So a lot can happen between now and then.
In the meantime, my responsibility is to my kiddo. I'm not dividing my time between her and some guy and I don't need to consider anyone else's feelings but hers, so I'm in a good position to make sure she adjusts well to everything that happens around her.
Don't think I didn't make sure the exh knew that regardless of my feelings about his decision, I was going to present a supportive and encouraging face to kiddo. First off, I refuse to be one of those ex-spouses that denigrate the other or try to pit the children against the other to make themselves the favorite. And secondly, it gives me the high road and believe me, in our marriage, I didn't have it often so I'm sure enjoying walking it now!
I had my moments of satisfaction, though. Don't think for a minute I didn't remind him about all the years he'd spent insisting he'd never be one of those types to ignore the reality of a situation because he fell into the trap of thinking it was different for him and different from everyone else's experiences.
And I relished another, most enjoyable morsel: I made sure he knew that I knew that all that posturing was just holier than thou bullshit and that he could be a dumbass just like the rest of us.
God, that makes me feel good. Is that wrong? :D
((Song: "White Wedding" by Billy Idol. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4885 ))
2 comments:
Sorry to hear about this development. It is difficult when an ex marries/remarries. Unfortunately, it is how men cope, especially men who feel they have been rejected in some way - subtley or otherwise.
You are most likely doing the wiser thing that females do - building your support network and not rushing into anything too fast. Your new life sounds exciting - school, job, social life, etc. For me, my groove took what seemed a little too long to get into, but now that I'm in it I wouldn't go back to that safe warm ex for anything.
I know this is a good thing for me, as it offers me an opportunity for the kind of closure even the divorce decree couldn't provide.
And like you, as much as I enjoyed the comfort of someone who (in many ways)really really knew me, I'm realizing that in many ways, he didn't. I'm finding strength and purpose I'd let slide while I settled for my life as it was.
I know I'm going to like the me that I am better. I already do.
Post a Comment