Dating And Mating

I may have discovered what caused my little medical incident a few weeks ago. I was eating sunflower seeds and suddenly got that same warm flush/rapid heartbeat feeling I did the last time. Thinking about it, I remembered using those sunflower seeds in the power bars I'd made and ate an hour or so before my first incident. So hm, am I allergic to sunflower seeds? Maybe so. I do know I'll avoid them from now on, that's for sure. Maybe I'll go in for testing as well.

Still stewing on that issue I mentioned in my last post. I would love to speak more of it but until I get solid assurances I'll leave my thoughts and speculations floating around in my head. It's probably best that I do so, since to do otherwise would be akin to vomiting up a maelstrom of internal conflictions upon this page. I'll be better able to practice the art of restraint in my words at a later date.

The cute juror hasn't called and I am quite sure he won't. As I said, that's okay. I put myself out there and that was the point, after all. I moved beyond my comfort zone a little -- at least that's how Irish referred to it today during a conversation we were having. I think I'll move beyond it a little more and give my old co-worker a call like I said I'd do and go grab a coffee with him. Jesus, it's not like I plan to marry the guy!

Speaking of that, I've been doing some thinking about my reactions to the idea of "dating" and I've come to see that it's never been in me to casually date. I don't really know how! I ended up engaged to the first man I ever really dated. I had a few relationships (2) in between, all serious that broke up for one reason or another, then married the ex. And now here I am. I found something a while ago that I'd written as a teenager that was in response to something my mother had said about dating around. I said that I didn't want to do that, that being in a relationship was what I planned to do and to be serious. I certainly meant what I said, didn't I!

So that is my goal -- my growth experience, if you will. I need to practice the art of casual dating instead of using my normal barometer, which essentially is not consenting to go out with any man that I wouldn't consider a long term choice if it should evolve that direction. I know myself and know that I tend not to make the best choices when my heart becomes involved. I've always thought that making sure the man is decent at the outset was a good weeding process to perform before I get emotions in the mix instead of later on, when I'm swimming in a hormonally stupid fog.

I'm not going to say this will be easy, nor will it be something I'm just going to jump into willy-nilly. I am certainly not in any rush whatsoever. I am still a choosy woman and always will be. I don't want to get involved at this point in my life and I have other directions I intend to go that I've never bothered to pursue before -- my long-ignored career for one. Most importantly I have my daughter. I have no doubt that soon she'll demand even more of my time and attention and I have both to give to her without hesitation. She and I are developing what I think will become an amazing relationship and I won't push it aside for anything in the world.

All I'm saying is this: my ex mother in law told me last night to leave my heart open. This coming from a woman who's spent the entire time I've known her (20 years) completely alone. She's met a man and she's feeling attractive and strong for the first time in a long time and I could hear her joy through the phone last night. She told me she understood my fears of hurting others like I hurt her son, and that I was a wonderful woman who didn't need to shut down or close off and do what she'd done, but just take the time I need to heal and regroup and then move forward in life instead of standing still. I'm older now and wiser than I used to be and I know to listen to my elders with an open ear. So maybe I should listen to her.