Yesterday afternoon I decided -- quite on a lark -- to go down to a theater in the nearest big city (about 30 miles away) to see "I'm Not There," the new movie about Bob Dylan. To get there I needed to do the following: get off work, throw a change of clothes on, get to the train station, catch a bus from the train, dodge freeway traffic, and walk blocks and blocks to the theater. All in less than an hour and a half.
Without going into exceptionally boring detail -- which involves getting turned around, losing ten minutes before realizing it, and walking right by the theater but not seeing it as it was tucked behind a few other buildings -- I didn't make it.
Normally I hate it when I'm confronted by sudden changes to plans that I'd set my heart on. I become agitated or upset or even downright nasty. But this time I decided that I wasn't going to let missing the movie ruin my evening and I was even more proud of myself because I actually "felt" the decision as well as "thought" it.
As I was downtown in the cultural district of the city anyway with time to kill I decided to wander a bit down the avenue I was on and take in the sights. I was surprised -- and quite pleasantly so -- because unlike most sections of a lot of the cities in this part of the country (with the possible exception of Austin) it reminded me a bit of the great Northeastern cities like Boston, which is one of my favorite cities ever.
There's such a difference between the cities in the Northeast/Midwest and those here in the southwest. Cities here have an elegant sort of aesthetic sense to them. Clean straight lines, streets running rationally. Minimalist. They feel young and fresh and clean, eager to learn and grow. It's like they're going out on the town and they're dressed to the nines. They're looking smart and they beckon towards people, urging to be filled.
Not so the cities of the older part of the country. They are organic creatures and when you walk through them it's like all those random blocks of material you throw into a patchwork quilt. They don't look like they'd work together, but they do. The people came there first and like an ivy that curls around a fence or crawls up a brick facade, the city grew up around them. They have twisty-turny streets and squished little alleyways and row upon row of attached little houses, brick streets and old lampposts.
For the most part cities here feel cold to me. I can't invest much in them because they don't make me feel like I'm part of them as much as I am moving through them. I fall in love with cities that allow me to absorb myself into them. I guess it's much harder for me to fall in love with a city that doesn't seem to have an old soul.
Anyway, I wandered the avenue for a while and enjoyed the busy feeling that comes with being immersed in the city and its sights. I decided to find a little out of the way cafe and eat dinner and soon thereafter sipped Chardonnay and ate steamed asparagus out on the patio, people-watching.
Somewhere during the meal it occurred to me that I was thoroughly content. Even happy. I wasn't lonely or longing for another person on the other side of the table to talk to. I wasn't feeling incomplete at all. And god, that felt good.
((Song: "Bob Dylan's Dream" by Bob Dylan. Lyrics here:
http://bobdylan.com/songs/dream.html ))
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Saturday, November 24, 2007
What The Fuck Was I Thinking?
Kiddo and I spent some quality time together over the t-day holiday. There was a bit of a health scare that was minor (though she's going to have it checked out) and so she was more inclined to cling to my side than usual. She couldn't sleep and we ended up driving around until 3 am talking -- and it was a great heart to heart -- and when we got home, I massaged her back and she fell asleep in my arms and I was completely overwhelmed with the love I had for her. I'd promised her that I was going to speak to her father about some of what we'd spoken about, and I did so with her blessing.
So stbx and I had a short discussion t-day night and then picked it up last night, which morphed into our first post-split altercation. It started about kiddo and her feelings about her dad meeting someone so quickly. I said some things I'd been thinking but holding in because I was determined to withhold my personal thoughts, since I felt I'd given up that right when I walked out the door. But when I learned this weekend that some of it had made my kiddo a little confused and unsure I felt it prudent to speak up. I spoke up all right. In fact I got a little zealous and somewhere in the middle of it, it became not so much about her and more about my own judgment against him and my own jealousy and unease. He became defensive and said things about me that originated from his own hurt feelings about my choice to leave him and him feeling abandoned and lonely.
It wasn't horribly bad but I think we both deserved it when the other lashed out and said hurtful things in response. We didn't yell or call each other names, it wasn't mean or spiteful, it was just vigorous. We also both called each other out on the times when we stepped outside the boundaries of what was in the best interests of kiddo and let it become about us. And on the upside, we both called and apologized and we're back to being civil and warm.
Although I am shamed that I allowed some of the feelings to slip out that I would have preferred to keep to myself, I'm also glad that this all happened. I have been sad and lonely lately, wishing to rebuild and wondering if the impasses that we ran up against in our marriage could be somehow rectified or adjusted, or something. Last night helped remind me that we really aren't in the same place any longer and we couldn't be even if we did get back together. That wishes are for horses and all that jazz.
Still, it makes me sad.
((Song: "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owen Youngs. Download the song here:
http://2006.sxsw.com/music/showcases/band/2833.html ))
So stbx and I had a short discussion t-day night and then picked it up last night, which morphed into our first post-split altercation. It started about kiddo and her feelings about her dad meeting someone so quickly. I said some things I'd been thinking but holding in because I was determined to withhold my personal thoughts, since I felt I'd given up that right when I walked out the door. But when I learned this weekend that some of it had made my kiddo a little confused and unsure I felt it prudent to speak up. I spoke up all right. In fact I got a little zealous and somewhere in the middle of it, it became not so much about her and more about my own judgment against him and my own jealousy and unease. He became defensive and said things about me that originated from his own hurt feelings about my choice to leave him and him feeling abandoned and lonely.
It wasn't horribly bad but I think we both deserved it when the other lashed out and said hurtful things in response. We didn't yell or call each other names, it wasn't mean or spiteful, it was just vigorous. We also both called each other out on the times when we stepped outside the boundaries of what was in the best interests of kiddo and let it become about us. And on the upside, we both called and apologized and we're back to being civil and warm.
Although I am shamed that I allowed some of the feelings to slip out that I would have preferred to keep to myself, I'm also glad that this all happened. I have been sad and lonely lately, wishing to rebuild and wondering if the impasses that we ran up against in our marriage could be somehow rectified or adjusted, or something. Last night helped remind me that we really aren't in the same place any longer and we couldn't be even if we did get back together. That wishes are for horses and all that jazz.
Still, it makes me sad.
((Song: "Fuck Was I" by Jenny Owen Youngs. Download the song here:
http://2006.sxsw.com/music/showcases/band/2833.html ))
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Do You Believe In What You Feel
Pardon my moods.
My last post sounded so harsh. I thought about my words all day yesterday, picking through them like something I accidentally threw out in the trash.
Let me be clear here. It's not that I don't care for my friends, not at all. To be honest, I'm jealous. When I'm jealous I pull away or worse, get prickly and nasty. It's easier to distance myself than have to admit to myself that I'm capable of feeling so petty at the very same time that I am thrilled that they are doing so well. It feels disgusting, like I'm a bad person, and how can I feel both at the same time?
After all, I'm glad they are where they are now, and that they have the relationships they have, and that they're happy after putting up with so much. I truly am. It's all richly deserved and a long time coming and if someone -- anyone -- were to criticize them, I'd be all up in their faces. I've done exactly that, in just the last few days as a matter of fact.
The only explanation I can think of for my reaction is that I feel that no matter how richly deserved it is, it -- meaning the relationships I see them having -- is something I cannot have because seemingly I can't value one enough to maintain it. So if that's true, why do I want it? Would I take it if I could have it? And if I did have it, would it be right for me or would I find some way to sabotage it?
Good god. Talk about crazy. Another example of wanting something for the sake of having it, and then not appreciating it when I had it. Another example of the real crap behind all this. I'm not able to accept who I am yet. I've not put away all the things that I wish I was, but simply am not. And I'm angry. I'm pissed as hell that I can't just be content.
That anger tranforms into jealousy and then that jealousy, hidden, becomes a sour attitude and then finally, disassociation and distance. It's a wonder they even want me around since they are all quite aware of how I'm acting. I wouldn't want me around.
It's time I talk to all of them and apologize and explain. Be truthful. Own my feelings and let them know it is not something they've done or something that is their fault.
I suspect the root cause of a lot of this is that I'm having a lot of trouble working through the emotional repercussions of my choice to divorce. As the day for the finalization comes closer (after the 6th of December) I am feeling more and more confused, lost, lonely, sad. I'm not dealing well with the end of my marriage and the choice I've made to give up the man that I know -- no matter what I've done, or he's done, or we've done -- is the love of my life. I want to go back to him and live with him and be with him. I wish he would just think I'm worth living with as the companions and life partners and friends we are without sex. I hate that sex matters more to him than I do. I wish I could change and find my lost desire for him and become someone that wants to give it to him -- or to anyone longer than a couple of years! -- without all the baggage. I wish I'd stop wishing that he could change and give up what he needs, which is every bit as important and valid as what I need.
I wish, I wish, I wish. God. I wish I'd just shut up.
I just vomited all this here, and as I wrote I felt it all boil up. I've been bottling a lot of my emotions up for the last month or so. And why? I don't have any real privacy. I need to have time alone, damn it, to grieve in the way I do it, with tears and moods, without censoring or worrying about how I might seem to be. But all this show of emotion puts V off balance. He doesn't want to, much less know how to, deal with it. He tries to and says he's willing to but I can see in his eyes how uncomfortable it makes him. He said to me once that he doesn't understand why I am going back over and over and over things that have been decided and wishes I'd just get over it, I've made the decision, it's the right one, so what's the big deal? And perhaps I shouldn't care about how he feels or how he views my ability to cope. Matter of fact I know I shouldn't. But I do. And I don't want to keep explaining the same old things, so I hold it in.
Getting through this is going to take me a lot longer than I thought it would. It's the main reason why I wish I lived alone. I could do this faster.
((Song: "In The Waiting Line" by Zero 7. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/zero7/inthewaitingline.html ))
My last post sounded so harsh. I thought about my words all day yesterday, picking through them like something I accidentally threw out in the trash.
Let me be clear here. It's not that I don't care for my friends, not at all. To be honest, I'm jealous. When I'm jealous I pull away or worse, get prickly and nasty. It's easier to distance myself than have to admit to myself that I'm capable of feeling so petty at the very same time that I am thrilled that they are doing so well. It feels disgusting, like I'm a bad person, and how can I feel both at the same time?
After all, I'm glad they are where they are now, and that they have the relationships they have, and that they're happy after putting up with so much. I truly am. It's all richly deserved and a long time coming and if someone -- anyone -- were to criticize them, I'd be all up in their faces. I've done exactly that, in just the last few days as a matter of fact.
The only explanation I can think of for my reaction is that I feel that no matter how richly deserved it is, it -- meaning the relationships I see them having -- is something I cannot have because seemingly I can't value one enough to maintain it. So if that's true, why do I want it? Would I take it if I could have it? And if I did have it, would it be right for me or would I find some way to sabotage it?
Good god. Talk about crazy. Another example of wanting something for the sake of having it, and then not appreciating it when I had it. Another example of the real crap behind all this. I'm not able to accept who I am yet. I've not put away all the things that I wish I was, but simply am not. And I'm angry. I'm pissed as hell that I can't just be content.
That anger tranforms into jealousy and then that jealousy, hidden, becomes a sour attitude and then finally, disassociation and distance. It's a wonder they even want me around since they are all quite aware of how I'm acting. I wouldn't want me around.
It's time I talk to all of them and apologize and explain. Be truthful. Own my feelings and let them know it is not something they've done or something that is their fault.
I suspect the root cause of a lot of this is that I'm having a lot of trouble working through the emotional repercussions of my choice to divorce. As the day for the finalization comes closer (after the 6th of December) I am feeling more and more confused, lost, lonely, sad. I'm not dealing well with the end of my marriage and the choice I've made to give up the man that I know -- no matter what I've done, or he's done, or we've done -- is the love of my life. I want to go back to him and live with him and be with him. I wish he would just think I'm worth living with as the companions and life partners and friends we are without sex. I hate that sex matters more to him than I do. I wish I could change and find my lost desire for him and become someone that wants to give it to him -- or to anyone longer than a couple of years! -- without all the baggage. I wish I'd stop wishing that he could change and give up what he needs, which is every bit as important and valid as what I need.
I wish, I wish, I wish. God. I wish I'd just shut up.
I just vomited all this here, and as I wrote I felt it all boil up. I've been bottling a lot of my emotions up for the last month or so. And why? I don't have any real privacy. I need to have time alone, damn it, to grieve in the way I do it, with tears and moods, without censoring or worrying about how I might seem to be. But all this show of emotion puts V off balance. He doesn't want to, much less know how to, deal with it. He tries to and says he's willing to but I can see in his eyes how uncomfortable it makes him. He said to me once that he doesn't understand why I am going back over and over and over things that have been decided and wishes I'd just get over it, I've made the decision, it's the right one, so what's the big deal? And perhaps I shouldn't care about how he feels or how he views my ability to cope. Matter of fact I know I shouldn't. But I do. And I don't want to keep explaining the same old things, so I hold it in.
Getting through this is going to take me a lot longer than I thought it would. It's the main reason why I wish I lived alone. I could do this faster.
((Song: "In The Waiting Line" by Zero 7. Lyrics here:
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/zero7/inthewaitingline.html ))
Monday, November 19, 2007
Nothing Ever Lasts Forever
Friday night stbx dropped kiddo by my house so she could go out and eat dinner with my parents. She came up to me and gave me a hug without prompting, which took me slightly by surprise. I began to pull away, sure she'd want me to, but instead she got closer and hugged me longer and then -- shock of all shocks! -- gave me a kiss on the cheek. By herself.
It made my day. Hell, it made my week. I tell her how important she is to me but she's always heard that, she takes it for granted. I suppose it's just lucky she doesn't fully realize how important her smallest gestures are or how much she has me wrapped around her finger.
She went with her dad for their family's Thanksgiving celebrations the next day, and I went to spend the weekend at BFF's house.
While there I realized a few things -- well, not so much realized as had to confront. I've not been given to much introspection lately. I've just been numb. I know what I'm doing is right, I know it's best, I know that stbx and I could not have been able to work out our fundamental differences. Many times I feel at peace in my decision. But deep down? I don't want it. Not really. I just know it has to be.
I wish I could be a different person. For the first time in my life I am being confronted with who I am as opposed to who I'd pretended to be. For all my big talk about accepting myself and living without barriers, the fact is, those barriers were comforting. When I lived with stbx I had something to protect and philosophize about. I had my life as wife and mother and then there was my hidden "true self." Well, how verrrrry romantic! -- I was a freedom fighter for my own identity!
But please, that was really nothing more than drivel. Soooo much easier to feel rebellious when you are fighting for something you want to keep preserved -- your freedom, your "true self," your independence. It's easier to define yourself and what you are living for when you can hold it up against the mirror glass of something else and point and say, it's not that.
I don't know. I hate to try to figure out anything now, I am not in the place I need to be to do so. I've got a lot of things to work though. I guess I'm just lost. Whoever I am, I don't think it is who I was fighting for back then -- the philosophizing know-it-all -- and if that is true then the irony of that renders me mute.
This weekend, both BFF and Queen mentioned depression. Yes, I'm aware I'm depressed. It's hard to give up something you want. I'm not good with loss -- I know, I know, who is? -- and I have obsessive tendencies. I keep having to say to myself that this too shall pass. I'll find my sea legs at some point.
I don't find much joy in anything, that's for sure. I want to live by myself. I don't want to see or talk to people, especially those that in the past I've considered close friends. For the most part, even though I have moments where I enjoy myself, my negative emotions are far outweighing my positive ones where they are concerned. I'm having difficulty remembering that these people understand me or even why they would want to. I don't know who they are anymore or why they fit into my life or why I liked any of them once upon a time, other than they're there and I know I used to care and still should. So I try to, and I spend time with them when they all decide we should get together, even though given the choice I would not.
Goodness. I am ashamed to even say this and expose the level of my disregard and dispassion. But there it is, all the same.
I only seem to be making any emotional connections recently to a few others. Thank god for HD and Irish and Grey. They might not realize it but they are helping to remind me that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Lately -- other than my kiddo and the times I'm sitting there laughing with stbx -- spending time with my trio of online friends are the only times spent with real people that I feel alive and aware.
Otherwise? Just leave me the fuck alone.
((Song: "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears. Lyrics here:
http://www.memoriesfade.com/songs/tff.html ))
It made my day. Hell, it made my week. I tell her how important she is to me but she's always heard that, she takes it for granted. I suppose it's just lucky she doesn't fully realize how important her smallest gestures are or how much she has me wrapped around her finger.
She went with her dad for their family's Thanksgiving celebrations the next day, and I went to spend the weekend at BFF's house.
While there I realized a few things -- well, not so much realized as had to confront. I've not been given to much introspection lately. I've just been numb. I know what I'm doing is right, I know it's best, I know that stbx and I could not have been able to work out our fundamental differences. Many times I feel at peace in my decision. But deep down? I don't want it. Not really. I just know it has to be.
I wish I could be a different person. For the first time in my life I am being confronted with who I am as opposed to who I'd pretended to be. For all my big talk about accepting myself and living without barriers, the fact is, those barriers were comforting. When I lived with stbx I had something to protect and philosophize about. I had my life as wife and mother and then there was my hidden "true self." Well, how verrrrry romantic! -- I was a freedom fighter for my own identity!
But please, that was really nothing more than drivel. Soooo much easier to feel rebellious when you are fighting for something you want to keep preserved -- your freedom, your "true self," your independence. It's easier to define yourself and what you are living for when you can hold it up against the mirror glass of something else and point and say, it's not that.
I don't know. I hate to try to figure out anything now, I am not in the place I need to be to do so. I've got a lot of things to work though. I guess I'm just lost. Whoever I am, I don't think it is who I was fighting for back then -- the philosophizing know-it-all -- and if that is true then the irony of that renders me mute.
This weekend, both BFF and Queen mentioned depression. Yes, I'm aware I'm depressed. It's hard to give up something you want. I'm not good with loss -- I know, I know, who is? -- and I have obsessive tendencies. I keep having to say to myself that this too shall pass. I'll find my sea legs at some point.
I don't find much joy in anything, that's for sure. I want to live by myself. I don't want to see or talk to people, especially those that in the past I've considered close friends. For the most part, even though I have moments where I enjoy myself, my negative emotions are far outweighing my positive ones where they are concerned. I'm having difficulty remembering that these people understand me or even why they would want to. I don't know who they are anymore or why they fit into my life or why I liked any of them once upon a time, other than they're there and I know I used to care and still should. So I try to, and I spend time with them when they all decide we should get together, even though given the choice I would not.
Goodness. I am ashamed to even say this and expose the level of my disregard and dispassion. But there it is, all the same.
I only seem to be making any emotional connections recently to a few others. Thank god for HD and Irish and Grey. They might not realize it but they are helping to remind me that I need to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Lately -- other than my kiddo and the times I'm sitting there laughing with stbx -- spending time with my trio of online friends are the only times spent with real people that I feel alive and aware.
Otherwise? Just leave me the fuck alone.
((Song: "Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears. Lyrics here:
http://www.memoriesfade.com/songs/tff.html ))
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The Only Thing You Want From Me
I had a short conversation via IM with BiB on Sunday night. I wanted to touch base because I'd heard he'd been offered a new job. We talked about an hour, maybe a little bit less, and he filled me in on all the hoops he had to jump through to finally get the job offer. He talked about the phone interview, how they played twenty questions with him, how he'd aced their logic quiz (plus giving me the questions and the answers for all of them.) It was the whole nine yards.
Funny, he didn't tell me the name of the company. I knew why. And so I didn't ask.
And after the job offer story and the excruciating detail and the braggadocio? Conversation quickly lulled. He seemed to become suddenly distracted. Didn't ask how I'd been or what was going on in my life or anything of the sort. I offered a detail or two to test the waters, so to speak. Got nothing in return but a few cursory replies. It took me less than five minutes to see he wasn't going to ask, nor much cared. So I took my leave.
It only hurt for a little while.
((Song: "Skin Divers" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/skin-divers-lyrics-duran-duran.html))
Funny, he didn't tell me the name of the company. I knew why. And so I didn't ask.
And after the job offer story and the excruciating detail and the braggadocio? Conversation quickly lulled. He seemed to become suddenly distracted. Didn't ask how I'd been or what was going on in my life or anything of the sort. I offered a detail or two to test the waters, so to speak. Got nothing in return but a few cursory replies. It took me less than five minutes to see he wasn't going to ask, nor much cared. So I took my leave.
It only hurt for a little while.
((Song: "Skin Divers" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/skin-divers-lyrics-duran-duran.html))
Friday, November 9, 2007
Trust The Process
There is little in this life harder than realizing that you are responsible for another life. I don't mean another adult life; that of your partner, your friend, your lover. I mean a child's life -- your child's life. That responsibility is a weight of extraordinary importance and it's a heavy one.
But what is harder than being responsible, is realizing that sometimes you aren't. Sometimes you wish you were. Sometimes the hardest thing is watching them stumble and fall, be angry and depressed and silent and morose, and have to stand silently by, unable to infuse them with your calm. Moments like that make you realize that although we can stand side by side in this world, give support or take it, everyone is ultimately alone. Everyone has to deal with their own internal landscapes.
It's hard for me to accept this. I can accept it for everyone else in the world, but my child? It's harder to accept that the beautiful child that came from my body and into this world -- the one that looked up at me with such innocent eyes -- is only partially within my control.
I used to think that the kind of parenting a child was given was pretty much totally responsible for the kind of adult they became. The whole nuture idea. But the longer I was actually a parent and watched my child grow from infant to toddler, preadolescent to preteen, and now into a teenager? I don't believe that much anymore.
You find out as they grow that the person they are becoming isn't necessarily the one you had hopes they'd be. Every parent hopes their child is a kind, giving soul, happy and willing to believe that life is a joy that's worth it no matter what sort of pain they run up against. Every parent hopes their child can see life's richness and savor it. Every parent worth their salt endeavors to teach their children those very things. You give them an environment rich in love and expressions of affection and rules and discipline to show them that they can depend on being safe. You hope this is enough.
You can do all this, and yet.....
Nature will out. The nature part of the nature vs. nuture is by far the more powerful of the two. Ah, the randomness of genes at work. Nowhere is it more apparent than when two children, raised the same way, turn out so differently. One, from the moment of birth, was smiley and curious and affectionate, and the other was reticient and cautious, shy and retiring. Or compare identical twins and one finds that more than physical looks are similar. Personalities and preferences are also markedly so. Why? How much of personality is hardwired and how much can be manipulated or guided?
In my own case, my daughter is not the child I pictured her to be when I first saw her soft trusting eyes. I admire so many of her traits -- her strength, her ability to believe in herself and what she thinks -- and wish they were my own. I am proud of her in those moments. But just as you don't like everything about everyone, your children are no different in that regard. She has a disregard for other people that embarrasses and angers me. She is selfish and inconsiderate. You may say that many teens are this way and yes, they are -- but many are not. She seems prone to sinking into a depressive state of mind, something that I do and my mother does as well....genetics again? And she does not feel comfortable expressing affection of any sort. Her coolness scares me. I wonder, though....perhaps this is me, needing her to let me know I matter to her.
And last afternoon I saw her cry when she realized how badly she'd hurt me. Perhaps in time she'll learn showing affection is important. I can only hope.
In some part, yes, what your children are and who they become depends on you. Whatever parts you can control or guide or teach, you have an obligation to do so. You try and help make them the greatest "themselves" that they can be. But ultimately you just have to trust the process. You hope that you've been the best parent you can be and that they'll walk through their own internal landscape without getting lost. And that they'll remember -- somehow, somewhere, somewhen -- that you gave them a beacon to follow should they do so.
((Song: "Trust The Process" by John Taylor. Lyrics here:
http://www.thebassgod.com/home.html ))
But what is harder than being responsible, is realizing that sometimes you aren't. Sometimes you wish you were. Sometimes the hardest thing is watching them stumble and fall, be angry and depressed and silent and morose, and have to stand silently by, unable to infuse them with your calm. Moments like that make you realize that although we can stand side by side in this world, give support or take it, everyone is ultimately alone. Everyone has to deal with their own internal landscapes.
It's hard for me to accept this. I can accept it for everyone else in the world, but my child? It's harder to accept that the beautiful child that came from my body and into this world -- the one that looked up at me with such innocent eyes -- is only partially within my control.
I used to think that the kind of parenting a child was given was pretty much totally responsible for the kind of adult they became. The whole nuture idea. But the longer I was actually a parent and watched my child grow from infant to toddler, preadolescent to preteen, and now into a teenager? I don't believe that much anymore.
You find out as they grow that the person they are becoming isn't necessarily the one you had hopes they'd be. Every parent hopes their child is a kind, giving soul, happy and willing to believe that life is a joy that's worth it no matter what sort of pain they run up against. Every parent hopes their child can see life's richness and savor it. Every parent worth their salt endeavors to teach their children those very things. You give them an environment rich in love and expressions of affection and rules and discipline to show them that they can depend on being safe. You hope this is enough.
You can do all this, and yet.....
Nature will out. The nature part of the nature vs. nuture is by far the more powerful of the two. Ah, the randomness of genes at work. Nowhere is it more apparent than when two children, raised the same way, turn out so differently. One, from the moment of birth, was smiley and curious and affectionate, and the other was reticient and cautious, shy and retiring. Or compare identical twins and one finds that more than physical looks are similar. Personalities and preferences are also markedly so. Why? How much of personality is hardwired and how much can be manipulated or guided?
In my own case, my daughter is not the child I pictured her to be when I first saw her soft trusting eyes. I admire so many of her traits -- her strength, her ability to believe in herself and what she thinks -- and wish they were my own. I am proud of her in those moments. But just as you don't like everything about everyone, your children are no different in that regard. She has a disregard for other people that embarrasses and angers me. She is selfish and inconsiderate. You may say that many teens are this way and yes, they are -- but many are not. She seems prone to sinking into a depressive state of mind, something that I do and my mother does as well....genetics again? And she does not feel comfortable expressing affection of any sort. Her coolness scares me. I wonder, though....perhaps this is me, needing her to let me know I matter to her.
And last afternoon I saw her cry when she realized how badly she'd hurt me. Perhaps in time she'll learn showing affection is important. I can only hope.
In some part, yes, what your children are and who they become depends on you. Whatever parts you can control or guide or teach, you have an obligation to do so. You try and help make them the greatest "themselves" that they can be. But ultimately you just have to trust the process. You hope that you've been the best parent you can be and that they'll walk through their own internal landscape without getting lost. And that they'll remember -- somehow, somewhere, somewhen -- that you gave them a beacon to follow should they do so.
((Song: "Trust The Process" by John Taylor. Lyrics here:
http://www.thebassgod.com/home.html ))
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
He's Just A Little Plaything
This weekend kiddo and I had a lot of fun together and spent a lot of time in the car driving to our destination, which was a Renaissance faire with Grey and his family and some friends. The entirety of my life lately seems to be rather Renaissance-y. Therefore, it's only right that this become the theme of my post today.
Anyway, the long ride gave kiddo and I some time to sit and talk, something kiddo is not really fond of. She happened to mention Yo's son, the 3-yr old. She said the kid throws things at her, doesn't get scolded or disciplined, that he's a little terror. I believe her because stbx said the same thing some time ago. Anyway, her tone and expression definitely let me know how awful she thought the situation with this toddler is.
Still, I know she is not unbiased. My kiddo can be dramatic. She's an only child, not fond of children or familiar with their different sort of aliveness, and has a tendency toward selfish behavior herself. On the other hand I've seen her be incredibly gentle and tender to some younger children, mostly ones that look up to her in awe or as a figure of authority. The children she tends to favor, though, are the soft-spoken, cautious ones rather than the obnoxious ones. Can't hardly blame her there. I'm not fond of children all that much myself.
This particular child, though, pushes all the wrong buttons for her. She didn't say anything about the why of it but I suspect there are reasons that don't include his poor upbringing.
I pause here for a caveat of sorts. I'll try to be as objective as I can as I go on, keeping some of my messier emotions like envy or disdain at a minimum. I know these color the situation and I'll try to at least remember they're there and weigh them when I listen to my own words and thoughts.
So......
Kiddo has been rather insistent throughout this entire process -- the divorce -- that she is perfectly fine with it and it doesn't bother her. I don't believe that for a second.
I wonder if part of her is taking out some anger or hurt in a "safe" way; focusing on the child and letting herself hate him much more passionately than she would if he was merely another friend's child. After all, he isn't. His mother is dating her father, and there is the potential that she could get stuck living with the boy if stbx and Yo's relationship progresses. That must be a real fear for her. No doubt part of her is angry at her father and is trying to figure out why he'd want to have such a brat around. She must feel like he isn't making her a consideration.
Both of us have explained what we could about our divorce to our kiddo, but much of it is so complex and deep that it is simply not something she can understand at her age. But surely she must wonder how her father could have another woman so fast? She knows that people break up and hook up and often the one happens because of the other. Who knows? Perhaps she's come to the conclusion that because stbx began dating Yo within the first month of our separation, we just chose to leave out the fact that Yo was a factor in our divorce?
And if she thinks that was true -- and it isn't, for the record -- well, who could blame her if she is angry?
I must sit down and address these issues with her and find out if my wonderings are meaningless.
And in other randomness:
I'm enjoying a renaissance of sorts with HD. For the last couple of days he and I have chatted like crazy. I enjoy him so much. He reminds me that life isn't all doomy and gloomy, I do have a habit of getting very lost in all of life's crazy details. He's the type of man that I hope to find someday. I hope he knows how much of a compliment that is. He gives me hope that there are indeed men like that out there. And he's got a fantastically sensual way about him too, which doesn't hurt! He can rev me up like a primed Porsche.
Grey. The weekend with him was interesting. He called me twice yesterday and we ended up spending about an hour on the phone. I have all sorts of tender feelings for him, he and I have been through a lot together. We talked about our kids and our experiences and though we said nothing particularly personal, our talks were limned with intimacy. I think he needs that mental caress, like a soft comforting pat on the shoulder. I do not know his motivations yet -- whether he desires me as well as enjoys my companionship or if it is simply friendship -- but as in any long-term friendship between men and women, perhaps a bit of both? It is interesting that he doesn't let his wife know we talk. There are reasons for that, not all of which involve those sorts of reasons -- most of it is innocent enough. But there is a small part that is not. Ah well. I will let it be what it is and try not to analyze it to death....or so I say, as I sit here typing all this and analyzing it. I cannot escape who I am after all.
I intend to take bellydance lessons. Starting next month. I am sure it will be an experience, one of many to introduce me to places outside the box.
2007 is almost over. On to the next new year.
((Song: "Stay Up Late" by Talking Heads. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4573 ))
Anyway, the long ride gave kiddo and I some time to sit and talk, something kiddo is not really fond of. She happened to mention Yo's son, the 3-yr old. She said the kid throws things at her, doesn't get scolded or disciplined, that he's a little terror. I believe her because stbx said the same thing some time ago. Anyway, her tone and expression definitely let me know how awful she thought the situation with this toddler is.
Still, I know she is not unbiased. My kiddo can be dramatic. She's an only child, not fond of children or familiar with their different sort of aliveness, and has a tendency toward selfish behavior herself. On the other hand I've seen her be incredibly gentle and tender to some younger children, mostly ones that look up to her in awe or as a figure of authority. The children she tends to favor, though, are the soft-spoken, cautious ones rather than the obnoxious ones. Can't hardly blame her there. I'm not fond of children all that much myself.
This particular child, though, pushes all the wrong buttons for her. She didn't say anything about the why of it but I suspect there are reasons that don't include his poor upbringing.
I pause here for a caveat of sorts. I'll try to be as objective as I can as I go on, keeping some of my messier emotions like envy or disdain at a minimum. I know these color the situation and I'll try to at least remember they're there and weigh them when I listen to my own words and thoughts.
So......
Kiddo has been rather insistent throughout this entire process -- the divorce -- that she is perfectly fine with it and it doesn't bother her. I don't believe that for a second.
I wonder if part of her is taking out some anger or hurt in a "safe" way; focusing on the child and letting herself hate him much more passionately than she would if he was merely another friend's child. After all, he isn't. His mother is dating her father, and there is the potential that she could get stuck living with the boy if stbx and Yo's relationship progresses. That must be a real fear for her. No doubt part of her is angry at her father and is trying to figure out why he'd want to have such a brat around. She must feel like he isn't making her a consideration.
Both of us have explained what we could about our divorce to our kiddo, but much of it is so complex and deep that it is simply not something she can understand at her age. But surely she must wonder how her father could have another woman so fast? She knows that people break up and hook up and often the one happens because of the other. Who knows? Perhaps she's come to the conclusion that because stbx began dating Yo within the first month of our separation, we just chose to leave out the fact that Yo was a factor in our divorce?
And if she thinks that was true -- and it isn't, for the record -- well, who could blame her if she is angry?
I must sit down and address these issues with her and find out if my wonderings are meaningless.
And in other randomness:
I'm enjoying a renaissance of sorts with HD. For the last couple of days he and I have chatted like crazy. I enjoy him so much. He reminds me that life isn't all doomy and gloomy, I do have a habit of getting very lost in all of life's crazy details. He's the type of man that I hope to find someday. I hope he knows how much of a compliment that is. He gives me hope that there are indeed men like that out there. And he's got a fantastically sensual way about him too, which doesn't hurt! He can rev me up like a primed Porsche.
Grey. The weekend with him was interesting. He called me twice yesterday and we ended up spending about an hour on the phone. I have all sorts of tender feelings for him, he and I have been through a lot together. We talked about our kids and our experiences and though we said nothing particularly personal, our talks were limned with intimacy. I think he needs that mental caress, like a soft comforting pat on the shoulder. I do not know his motivations yet -- whether he desires me as well as enjoys my companionship or if it is simply friendship -- but as in any long-term friendship between men and women, perhaps a bit of both? It is interesting that he doesn't let his wife know we talk. There are reasons for that, not all of which involve those sorts of reasons -- most of it is innocent enough. But there is a small part that is not. Ah well. I will let it be what it is and try not to analyze it to death....or so I say, as I sit here typing all this and analyzing it. I cannot escape who I am after all.
I intend to take bellydance lessons. Starting next month. I am sure it will be an experience, one of many to introduce me to places outside the box.
2007 is almost over. On to the next new year.
((Song: "Stay Up Late" by Talking Heads. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4573 ))
Friday, November 2, 2007
I'm On A Ride And I Want To Get Off
First, the appetizers:
Playtime with HD last night. The man is a treasure. He whets my desires. I can hear his sexy accent in my head. He's curious, impulsive, impish. Up for absolutely anything. I just know he'd be a treat. Ahhhhh, my kingdom for just a taste!
I'm going to go visit Grey this weekend. I'm soooooo looking forward to it.
Kiddo texts me today. "Mom, I need cookie dough." I'm thinking it's for school, another one of those godawful sales pitch things. I text her back and ask what she's selling it for. Her answer: "Not selling it, I want some real bad." Then I start laughing when it sinks in; she's craving it. She's such a goof.
My stbx is such a great guy, it's going to be hard to find someone that can hold a candle to him. Or maybe I just like the view of me that I see in his eyes even though I know it's not the right one.
And now on to the meat and potatoes:
In my comments section from my last entry, D mentioned that women hold the power of sex. Yes, they do. I'm not sure I want to wield it, though, at least not long term. It's like a sword. I want to take it up at the beginning and indulge in it when it's sharp and strong and vital and the taste of it is sweet, and then when it dulls, leave the thing hidden away in its sheath where I don't have to see it or even remember it's there.
Too bad that men can't do that.
How on earth do I reconcile all these conflicting desires? I want sex, but I can't stand it. I hate that it exists, but I require it. I need it as a means by which I feel sexy and desired or to feel my power over a man, but when that initial rush fades its appearance makes me feel only resentment. When I submit to it after the initial rush fades and it begins to feel obligatory I get revolted at myself and push the other person away. When I see what men do in its clutches I am disdainful of it, and of them.
So what do I do? I avoid the whole thing. It's so much easier.
Those men that hit on me? I want them to hit on me,sure, but when they do, for the most part, they disgust me. They don't care about me, not really -- all they want is what I can provide. They're out on the prowl, wanting meat. I paint them all with one brush. Yes, I know it's wrong of me to do so but I do it nevertheless. I know it's an overreaction on my part. I know it stems from the love/hate relationship I've had with sex and my own desires or more accurately, their lack thereof. I don't want to feel obligated to continue to provide anything when my desire wanes (as I know it will, it always has) and I know that no matter what any of them say, it all comes down to that eventually. Most relationships are obligations, an unspoken contract if not a spoken, sign-on-the-dotted-line one -- "I'll provide the security you want, you provide the continual sex that I want." It is as simple as that.
Yet I don't know if I can go through life without having any relationships. I don't know that I'm the type of woman that can find satisfaction without forging a deep connection with someone. I should be, given my feelings on the matter -- I should try to be the type to enjoy only casual encounters or short-term, passionate relationships, fleeing when the boredom or the obligation sets in. I want to be, I know I need to be! But wanting and being able to are not the same. I don't think I could be even if I tried. I'm not sure of that yet, or course -- I haven't found someone like that yet -- so maybe it's possible with the right guy, I don't know.
Then there's the whole thing of my feelings getting involved. I find myself falling for a man, imagining something longterm, imagining it would be "different" with him, forgetting that eventually what I feel will fade as the obligations and realities set in. You see, I want to be someone special, not everyday, not just a fuck. I need to be respected as well as desired. I want a man consumed with me but I want the trust and love and support. I want all that just like everyone else does.
And we come to my ultimate Catch-22, the one I can't seem to figure out how to resolve to my satisfaction. Any relationship I try to forge in the future will be subject to this same simple rule: this deep connection I long for has to come with a long-term sexual obligation. It has to in order for the other person to flourish within it. This I know. So what are my choices? Refuse to do it and lose the other person because they would not be able to feel loved and needed and desired, as is their right. Or sit silently, continue to do it even when my desire fades? Only resentment and pain lies down that path, I've been there and done that. It was how I lost my marriage.
Catch-22.
Holy shit, am I ever fucked up.
((Song: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/TheReflex.html ))
Playtime with HD last night. The man is a treasure. He whets my desires. I can hear his sexy accent in my head. He's curious, impulsive, impish. Up for absolutely anything. I just know he'd be a treat. Ahhhhh, my kingdom for just a taste!
I'm going to go visit Grey this weekend. I'm soooooo looking forward to it.
Kiddo texts me today. "Mom, I need cookie dough." I'm thinking it's for school, another one of those godawful sales pitch things. I text her back and ask what she's selling it for. Her answer: "Not selling it, I want some real bad." Then I start laughing when it sinks in; she's craving it. She's such a goof.
My stbx is such a great guy, it's going to be hard to find someone that can hold a candle to him. Or maybe I just like the view of me that I see in his eyes even though I know it's not the right one.
And now on to the meat and potatoes:
In my comments section from my last entry, D mentioned that women hold the power of sex. Yes, they do. I'm not sure I want to wield it, though, at least not long term. It's like a sword. I want to take it up at the beginning and indulge in it when it's sharp and strong and vital and the taste of it is sweet, and then when it dulls, leave the thing hidden away in its sheath where I don't have to see it or even remember it's there.
Too bad that men can't do that.
How on earth do I reconcile all these conflicting desires? I want sex, but I can't stand it. I hate that it exists, but I require it. I need it as a means by which I feel sexy and desired or to feel my power over a man, but when that initial rush fades its appearance makes me feel only resentment. When I submit to it after the initial rush fades and it begins to feel obligatory I get revolted at myself and push the other person away. When I see what men do in its clutches I am disdainful of it, and of them.
So what do I do? I avoid the whole thing. It's so much easier.
Those men that hit on me? I want them to hit on me,sure, but when they do, for the most part, they disgust me. They don't care about me, not really -- all they want is what I can provide. They're out on the prowl, wanting meat. I paint them all with one brush. Yes, I know it's wrong of me to do so but I do it nevertheless. I know it's an overreaction on my part. I know it stems from the love/hate relationship I've had with sex and my own desires or more accurately, their lack thereof. I don't want to feel obligated to continue to provide anything when my desire wanes (as I know it will, it always has) and I know that no matter what any of them say, it all comes down to that eventually. Most relationships are obligations, an unspoken contract if not a spoken, sign-on-the-dotted-line one -- "I'll provide the security you want, you provide the continual sex that I want." It is as simple as that.
Yet I don't know if I can go through life without having any relationships. I don't know that I'm the type of woman that can find satisfaction without forging a deep connection with someone. I should be, given my feelings on the matter -- I should try to be the type to enjoy only casual encounters or short-term, passionate relationships, fleeing when the boredom or the obligation sets in. I want to be, I know I need to be! But wanting and being able to are not the same. I don't think I could be even if I tried. I'm not sure of that yet, or course -- I haven't found someone like that yet -- so maybe it's possible with the right guy, I don't know.
Then there's the whole thing of my feelings getting involved. I find myself falling for a man, imagining something longterm, imagining it would be "different" with him, forgetting that eventually what I feel will fade as the obligations and realities set in. You see, I want to be someone special, not everyday, not just a fuck. I need to be respected as well as desired. I want a man consumed with me but I want the trust and love and support. I want all that just like everyone else does.
And we come to my ultimate Catch-22, the one I can't seem to figure out how to resolve to my satisfaction. Any relationship I try to forge in the future will be subject to this same simple rule: this deep connection I long for has to come with a long-term sexual obligation. It has to in order for the other person to flourish within it. This I know. So what are my choices? Refuse to do it and lose the other person because they would not be able to feel loved and needed and desired, as is their right. Or sit silently, continue to do it even when my desire fades? Only resentment and pain lies down that path, I've been there and done that. It was how I lost my marriage.
Catch-22.
Holy shit, am I ever fucked up.
((Song: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/TheReflex.html ))
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