My roommate has a job now, finally, so I get an average of three hours alone every day after I get home from work. It's been fantastic! Of course when I finish with my own school and secure a "real" job I won't have that time, but then again, I'll be making plans to find a place by myself. I'll be a big girl!
There was this issue I haven't mentioned it in here yet because I wanted to make sure it was happening before I did? I mentioned it first in my post of 6 May and mentioned it a few times thereafter. Well, it seems like it's happening so I might as well just address it. Looks like Exh is going to ask Yo to marry him.
Yes, indeed. To marry him.
I can't begin to list the reasons why it's just an unwise decision at this juncture. Really, do I even have to?
When I first mentioned it here in early May the kiddo was having a difficult time adjusting to it. This was not because of Yo, since they get along well enough, but because of Yo's 3-yr old son. Kiddo's been an only child her whole life and seeing the amount of time her father had to spend on this boy was arousing her jealousy and insecurity. When she found out Kiddo posted a not-so-nice bulletin complete with expletives on her MySpace page, forgetting that Yo would also receive it as she was one of her Friends. (I'll admit to a secret giggle about that here, but to kiddo's face I made different noises, heh.)
In the last month Exh and I have had ample opportunity to discuss the changes. I've had a bit of time to sort through most of my own feelings about it and though they're not gone by any means, they've subsided a bit. All petty jealousies and insecurities aside, I do earnestly hope he finds in her what he didn't get from me, and that this is not the rebounding mistake it appears to be, and that he finds happiness. Everyone deserves that in their lives. More importantly, my kiddo's adjusted to it. She is very much like me in that we don't take to change easily. When confronted by any change in our routines our first instinct is to buck and resist, but when we have a while to think things through we usually come around to adjusting quite well.
I've done more than my share in helping to accomplish kiddo's adjustment. She's a very loyal person and I was aware she needed me to adjust first so she didn't fear that enjoying all that would come her way wouldn't be disloyal to me. It's been very hard for me to do that when inside I feel a host of conflicting emotions, but I've done it. I wanted to help her see that there's more benefit to be had from embracing others and letting them enrich your life than in being insular. I wanted to give her permission to enjoy benefits that could range from possibly having a half-sibling of her own as well as having Yo's son for a step-brother.
There was another incident that happened this week involving Yo's insecurities with me, but I'll leave that for another day. As it is, they probably will not marry for a year or so. He hasn't asked her yet but they've discussed it. He tells me he intends to ask her soon but also mentioned it would be a while before they actually marry because he told her to go ahead and sign a year's lease on an apartment a month ago. So a lot can happen between now and then.
In the meantime, my responsibility is to my kiddo. I'm not dividing my time between her and some guy and I don't need to consider anyone else's feelings but hers, so I'm in a good position to make sure she adjusts well to everything that happens around her.
Don't think I didn't make sure the exh knew that regardless of my feelings about his decision, I was going to present a supportive and encouraging face to kiddo. First off, I refuse to be one of those ex-spouses that denigrate the other or try to pit the children against the other to make themselves the favorite. And secondly, it gives me the high road and believe me, in our marriage, I didn't have it often so I'm sure enjoying walking it now!
I had my moments of satisfaction, though. Don't think for a minute I didn't remind him about all the years he'd spent insisting he'd never be one of those types to ignore the reality of a situation because he fell into the trap of thinking it was different for him and different from everyone else's experiences.
And I relished another, most enjoyable morsel: I made sure he knew that I knew that all that posturing was just holier than thou bullshit and that he could be a dumbass just like the rest of us.
God, that makes me feel good. Is that wrong? :D
((Song: "White Wedding" by Billy Idol. Lyrics here:
http://www.asfradio.com/lyrics.asp?ctype=4885 ))
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Monday, May 26, 2008
Try To Realize It's All Within Yourself
Eh, life's been throwing me a few curve balls lately.
I've been dealing with a number of strange "symptoms" over the last month, some of which are almost assuredly physical and some that might have their origins in anxiety. I've experienced a number of warm flushed feelings, following by shortness of breath and numbness and tingling in my hands and arms.
The symptoms I've just described, I've decided, are probably 90% anxiety. I went to the ER last month when I experienced them for the first time and they ran a CT scan and an EKG and did blood tests. Then they sent me for a stress test. The tests all came back normal....at least I thought they had. More about that in a moment.
For the last couple weeks, my right shoulder's been painful. I've experienced numbness from the shoulder to my fingertips on that hand. You know that place in between the time that your limb goes numb and the time it wakes up and gets tingly and painful? Where it burns with that heated feeling and you know it's about to hurt? That's how it's felt for the most part. It gets tingly too, but mostly just burns.
And lastly, on two separate occasions, I've had difficulty getting the thoughts I think to come out of my mouth in the normal amount of time it takes for me to speak. In other words, things seem to slow down and I have to think extra hard and concentrate a bit more in order for my mouth to form the sounds. This has scared me both times because -- to be frank -- it reminds me sharply of my grandmother's TIAs. TIAs are tiny strokes.
So, I went to a doctor that was recommended to me. He asked that I gather all my medical records and send them to him -- a first for any PCP I've seen. I liked him! He was thorough and spoke to me of where I felt I was mentally as well as physically. Another first. Then he looked at my medical records from the ER visit and let me know that my thyroid and liver functions were a bit abnormal.
Really now? I wonder why they didn't mention that when I was there? Damned people. I am sure that my thyroid is causing a bit of this stuff but how much I won't be sure.
My doc let me know he was most concerned about my speech and my shoulder. He scheduled some lab work for me (thyroid, cholesterol, liver) and then he's going to set me up for an MRI to rule out any brain issues that might be causing the speech thing. We'll also do an EMG (electromyography) on the shoulder to see if I might have a pinched nerve. Those 2-3 weeks of neck pain a couple months ago or so might have been another sign of this, who knows.
Anyway.....
There is the anxiety issue. I've managed to calm myself through one of these episodes of flushing and stuff, so I suspect anxiety is at the root of some of it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but my paranoia about medical procedures due to my coding on the table during my hysterectomy and my fear of dying just compound and make me anxious to the point of silliness.
I refuse to take any anti-anxiety meds unless I can't get a handle on it myself, so I'm going to take this step by step and first look into yoga to try to ease my anxiety and learn to self-soothe. I've been under a lot of stress lately -- more than I think -- and I've always prided myself on being generally mellow. Hell, I've always thought I was extremely so! But it appears I might be more like my high strung mother than I thought.
I'm too young for this shit. I've got a good life. I have a great kiddo and a budding fantastic relationship. I have schooling that's almost over and a chance to start a new career and have a new place of my own.
Jesus, no wonder I'm stressing.
Bedtime now. More later.
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp ))
I've been dealing with a number of strange "symptoms" over the last month, some of which are almost assuredly physical and some that might have their origins in anxiety. I've experienced a number of warm flushed feelings, following by shortness of breath and numbness and tingling in my hands and arms.
The symptoms I've just described, I've decided, are probably 90% anxiety. I went to the ER last month when I experienced them for the first time and they ran a CT scan and an EKG and did blood tests. Then they sent me for a stress test. The tests all came back normal....at least I thought they had. More about that in a moment.
For the last couple weeks, my right shoulder's been painful. I've experienced numbness from the shoulder to my fingertips on that hand. You know that place in between the time that your limb goes numb and the time it wakes up and gets tingly and painful? Where it burns with that heated feeling and you know it's about to hurt? That's how it's felt for the most part. It gets tingly too, but mostly just burns.
And lastly, on two separate occasions, I've had difficulty getting the thoughts I think to come out of my mouth in the normal amount of time it takes for me to speak. In other words, things seem to slow down and I have to think extra hard and concentrate a bit more in order for my mouth to form the sounds. This has scared me both times because -- to be frank -- it reminds me sharply of my grandmother's TIAs. TIAs are tiny strokes.
So, I went to a doctor that was recommended to me. He asked that I gather all my medical records and send them to him -- a first for any PCP I've seen. I liked him! He was thorough and spoke to me of where I felt I was mentally as well as physically. Another first. Then he looked at my medical records from the ER visit and let me know that my thyroid and liver functions were a bit abnormal.
Really now? I wonder why they didn't mention that when I was there? Damned people. I am sure that my thyroid is causing a bit of this stuff but how much I won't be sure.
My doc let me know he was most concerned about my speech and my shoulder. He scheduled some lab work for me (thyroid, cholesterol, liver) and then he's going to set me up for an MRI to rule out any brain issues that might be causing the speech thing. We'll also do an EMG (electromyography) on the shoulder to see if I might have a pinched nerve. Those 2-3 weeks of neck pain a couple months ago or so might have been another sign of this, who knows.
Anyway.....
There is the anxiety issue. I've managed to calm myself through one of these episodes of flushing and stuff, so I suspect anxiety is at the root of some of it. I'm ashamed to admit it, but my paranoia about medical procedures due to my coding on the table during my hysterectomy and my fear of dying just compound and make me anxious to the point of silliness.
I refuse to take any anti-anxiety meds unless I can't get a handle on it myself, so I'm going to take this step by step and first look into yoga to try to ease my anxiety and learn to self-soothe. I've been under a lot of stress lately -- more than I think -- and I've always prided myself on being generally mellow. Hell, I've always thought I was extremely so! But it appears I might be more like my high strung mother than I thought.
I'm too young for this shit. I've got a good life. I have a great kiddo and a budding fantastic relationship. I have schooling that's almost over and a chance to start a new career and have a new place of my own.
Jesus, no wonder I'm stressing.
Bedtime now. More later.
((Song: "Within You Without You" by the Beatles. Lyrics here:
http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/within_you_without_you.asp ))
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Time Out...
Sorry about my absence. Dealing with a few health issues and more than a few homework assignments. Will return as soon as all that gets straightened out.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Ah Ha! I Knew It!
Grrrrrrr.......
---
How Fat Works
Question: The masses of fat in our bodies are made up of millions of individual cells called adipocytes. There are two differences between fat stores in obese and in lean people. Obese people have a larger total number of fat cells, and their individual fat cells are larger, plumper, fuller of fat. What is it that controls these differences? Is there, perhaps, a hormone that signals fat cells to multiply as we gain weight or to stop multiplying as we shed pounds? Or maybe fat cells are like brain cells, and we acquire a number of them early on that remains constant in adulthood?
New research: The answer to these questions was a complete mystery until the publication in Nature this month of this new research. The answers it provides may result in an entirely new way to promote weight loss or gain. The study depends on finding a way to determine the age of the fat cells that make up fatty tissues. The method is an extremely clever one; the researchers made use of the small amount of radioactive contamination absorbed by people who lived during the era of aboveground nuclear weapons testing, from 1955 until testing was banned in 1963.
Findings: Using their method, the authors of the study showed that by the time we end adolescence, our number of adipocytes has been set. Heavy people begin adulthood with more fat cells, and lighter people with fewer, and the numbers won't change as we age or as we become more obese or leaner. The only thing that does change, if we gain or lose weight, is how plump with fat each cell becomes. Meanwhile, however, even though the total adipocyte number remains constant, the cells themselves don't just sit there getting bigger and smaller. Instead, they constantly turn over. Whether you are heavy or lean, losing weight or gaining it, the same rule applies—every year about 10 percent of your body's fat cells die, and they are replaced by the same number of new ones.
Conclusion: We have no idea yet what controls and regulates the one-for-one turnover rate of fat cells. But if we could find and readjust the control mechanism—for example, setting it to replace an annual loss of 10 percent of fat cells with only 8 percent of new cells—we might find a whole new approach to the treatment of obesity. This research is likely to lead us in that direction.
---
How Fat Works
Question: The masses of fat in our bodies are made up of millions of individual cells called adipocytes. There are two differences between fat stores in obese and in lean people. Obese people have a larger total number of fat cells, and their individual fat cells are larger, plumper, fuller of fat. What is it that controls these differences? Is there, perhaps, a hormone that signals fat cells to multiply as we gain weight or to stop multiplying as we shed pounds? Or maybe fat cells are like brain cells, and we acquire a number of them early on that remains constant in adulthood?
New research: The answer to these questions was a complete mystery until the publication in Nature this month of this new research. The answers it provides may result in an entirely new way to promote weight loss or gain. The study depends on finding a way to determine the age of the fat cells that make up fatty tissues. The method is an extremely clever one; the researchers made use of the small amount of radioactive contamination absorbed by people who lived during the era of aboveground nuclear weapons testing, from 1955 until testing was banned in 1963.
Findings: Using their method, the authors of the study showed that by the time we end adolescence, our number of adipocytes has been set. Heavy people begin adulthood with more fat cells, and lighter people with fewer, and the numbers won't change as we age or as we become more obese or leaner. The only thing that does change, if we gain or lose weight, is how plump with fat each cell becomes. Meanwhile, however, even though the total adipocyte number remains constant, the cells themselves don't just sit there getting bigger and smaller. Instead, they constantly turn over. Whether you are heavy or lean, losing weight or gaining it, the same rule applies—every year about 10 percent of your body's fat cells die, and they are replaced by the same number of new ones.
Conclusion: We have no idea yet what controls and regulates the one-for-one turnover rate of fat cells. But if we could find and readjust the control mechanism—for example, setting it to replace an annual loss of 10 percent of fat cells with only 8 percent of new cells—we might find a whole new approach to the treatment of obesity. This research is likely to lead us in that direction.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
You’re in Living Color, It's Your Picture Show...
I went out for coffee last night with Music Man (MM for short), my guitarist ex-coworker. We met at a Starbucks about five minutes from his place and ended up spending a little over an hour drinking and chatting.
He looked the same as I remembered though it's been at least three or four years since we saw each other last. He's only a few years younger than me but no gray yet in his hair, which was still more than a few inches below shoulder length and pulled back in his characteristic ponytail. When he walked in the 'Bucks and saw me in the corner his face lit up in this fantastic grin. That was quite nice to see.
We spent a very pleasant hour or so catching up. I didn't notice too many awkward pauses and topics ranged anywhere from my kiddo to my divorce, to his job and stints in bands and touring, to world events, religion and politics, and our thoughts on relationships. We asked each other why? a lot and reminisced about days at the workplace. We caught each other up on mutual friends and told each other where we were at mentally at this point in our lives.
It wasn't a date. I paid for mine, he paid for his. Neither one of us treated it like a date though I have to admit, he is a very attractive man. I thought so years ago and still think so today. It's funny, though....he just about covers every sort of man I would have never considered dating. Long hair? No dependable employment? A musician? A democrat? A confirmed bachelor?
If he asked me out, I'd go. I like him well enough to continue to spend some time with him. There are more than a few things that would probably make us incompatible over time, but that's not something I'm too concerned about given my thoughts about how I should approach this new phase in my life. I want relaxed, casual, no frills. I listened to him talk about his thoughts about dating and what he wanted and though he was vague, he came across slightly wistful, as if he was about ready to do all the things I've already done and that maybe we're trading places in that arena. I've gone the marriage and family route, he hasn't. He's gone the loner route; I haven't.
Whatever. I enjoyed the time I spent with him. I didn't sense much if any underlying chemistry of attraction between us, though -- he was always a hard read and last night was no different. I've never been sure whether he even found me attractive at all. That doesn't give me too much to bank on as far as going out with him in any aspect other than good friends.
That reminds me of a conversation that HD and I had last night on IM. HD told me that air of reticience that MM had was a good thing; that the sense of mystery he gave me made me all the more interested in him. HD said that it was good for a man to treat me less like a sex object and more like he was pleased to be in my company. Ah, my dear smart HD.
So yes, that's all right, it's nice (not to mention safe) for the men I surround myself with to treat me in a relaxed manner. We had a great time and we spoke of meeting up again soon when he played a gig with his band in the town where I used to live. As we left and we hugged and I breathed in his nice scent, he told me that next time he'd try to get to my neck of the woods.
I think I'll be looking forward to that.
((Song: "Movie Man" by the Osmonds. Lyrics here:
http://thefamily.com/thefamily.com/theplan/songs/movieman.html ))
He looked the same as I remembered though it's been at least three or four years since we saw each other last. He's only a few years younger than me but no gray yet in his hair, which was still more than a few inches below shoulder length and pulled back in his characteristic ponytail. When he walked in the 'Bucks and saw me in the corner his face lit up in this fantastic grin. That was quite nice to see.
We spent a very pleasant hour or so catching up. I didn't notice too many awkward pauses and topics ranged anywhere from my kiddo to my divorce, to his job and stints in bands and touring, to world events, religion and politics, and our thoughts on relationships. We asked each other why? a lot and reminisced about days at the workplace. We caught each other up on mutual friends and told each other where we were at mentally at this point in our lives.
It wasn't a date. I paid for mine, he paid for his. Neither one of us treated it like a date though I have to admit, he is a very attractive man. I thought so years ago and still think so today. It's funny, though....he just about covers every sort of man I would have never considered dating. Long hair? No dependable employment? A musician? A democrat? A confirmed bachelor?
If he asked me out, I'd go. I like him well enough to continue to spend some time with him. There are more than a few things that would probably make us incompatible over time, but that's not something I'm too concerned about given my thoughts about how I should approach this new phase in my life. I want relaxed, casual, no frills. I listened to him talk about his thoughts about dating and what he wanted and though he was vague, he came across slightly wistful, as if he was about ready to do all the things I've already done and that maybe we're trading places in that arena. I've gone the marriage and family route, he hasn't. He's gone the loner route; I haven't.
Whatever. I enjoyed the time I spent with him. I didn't sense much if any underlying chemistry of attraction between us, though -- he was always a hard read and last night was no different. I've never been sure whether he even found me attractive at all. That doesn't give me too much to bank on as far as going out with him in any aspect other than good friends.
That reminds me of a conversation that HD and I had last night on IM. HD told me that air of reticience that MM had was a good thing; that the sense of mystery he gave me made me all the more interested in him. HD said that it was good for a man to treat me less like a sex object and more like he was pleased to be in my company. Ah, my dear smart HD.
So yes, that's all right, it's nice (not to mention safe) for the men I surround myself with to treat me in a relaxed manner. We had a great time and we spoke of meeting up again soon when he played a gig with his band in the town where I used to live. As we left and we hugged and I breathed in his nice scent, he told me that next time he'd try to get to my neck of the woods.
I think I'll be looking forward to that.
((Song: "Movie Man" by the Osmonds. Lyrics here:
http://thefamily.com/thefamily.com/theplan/songs/movieman.html ))
Monday, May 12, 2008
It's Istanbul, not Constantinople...
I'm so proud of myself! I did what I said I'd do and left my old coworker (I should say ex-coworker, since he's not old) a voicemail last night, saying I'd like to get together for coffee sometime this week if he had the time and inclination.
He called this afternoon while I was at work and we spoke briefly to set it up. We'll be meeting up for coffee tomorrow night to chat a bit and catch up with each other's lives.
It's not a date, people.
((Song: "Istanbul" by They Might Be Giants. Lyrics here:
http://www-unix.oit.umass.edu/~yavuzcet/lyrics.htm))
He called this afternoon while I was at work and we spoke briefly to set it up. We'll be meeting up for coffee tomorrow night to chat a bit and catch up with each other's lives.
It's not a date, people.
((Song: "Istanbul" by They Might Be Giants. Lyrics here:
http://www-unix.oit.umass.edu/~yavuzcet/lyrics.htm))
Friday, May 9, 2008
Dating And Mating
I may have discovered what caused my little medical incident a few weeks ago. I was eating sunflower seeds and suddenly got that same warm flush/rapid heartbeat feeling I did the last time. Thinking about it, I remembered using those sunflower seeds in the power bars I'd made and ate an hour or so before my first incident. So hm, am I allergic to sunflower seeds? Maybe so. I do know I'll avoid them from now on, that's for sure. Maybe I'll go in for testing as well.
Still stewing on that issue I mentioned in my last post. I would love to speak more of it but until I get solid assurances I'll leave my thoughts and speculations floating around in my head. It's probably best that I do so, since to do otherwise would be akin to vomiting up a maelstrom of internal conflictions upon this page. I'll be better able to practice the art of restraint in my words at a later date.
The cute juror hasn't called and I am quite sure he won't. As I said, that's okay. I put myself out there and that was the point, after all. I moved beyond my comfort zone a little -- at least that's how Irish referred to it today during a conversation we were having. I think I'll move beyond it a little more and give my old co-worker a call like I said I'd do and go grab a coffee with him. Jesus, it's not like I plan to marry the guy!
Speaking of that, I've been doing some thinking about my reactions to the idea of "dating" and I've come to see that it's never been in me to casually date. I don't really know how! I ended up engaged to the first man I ever really dated. I had a few relationships (2) in between, all serious that broke up for one reason or another, then married the ex. And now here I am. I found something a while ago that I'd written as a teenager that was in response to something my mother had said about dating around. I said that I didn't want to do that, that being in a relationship was what I planned to do and to be serious. I certainly meant what I said, didn't I!
So that is my goal -- my growth experience, if you will. I need to practice the art of casual dating instead of using my normal barometer, which essentially is not consenting to go out with any man that I wouldn't consider a long term choice if it should evolve that direction. I know myself and know that I tend not to make the best choices when my heart becomes involved. I've always thought that making sure the man is decent at the outset was a good weeding process to perform before I get emotions in the mix instead of later on, when I'm swimming in a hormonally stupid fog.
I'm not going to say this will be easy, nor will it be something I'm just going to jump into willy-nilly. I am certainly not in any rush whatsoever. I am still a choosy woman and always will be. I don't want to get involved at this point in my life and I have other directions I intend to go that I've never bothered to pursue before -- my long-ignored career for one. Most importantly I have my daughter. I have no doubt that soon she'll demand even more of my time and attention and I have both to give to her without hesitation. She and I are developing what I think will become an amazing relationship and I won't push it aside for anything in the world.
All I'm saying is this: my ex mother in law told me last night to leave my heart open. This coming from a woman who's spent the entire time I've known her (20 years) completely alone. She's met a man and she's feeling attractive and strong for the first time in a long time and I could hear her joy through the phone last night. She told me she understood my fears of hurting others like I hurt her son, and that I was a wonderful woman who didn't need to shut down or close off and do what she'd done, but just take the time I need to heal and regroup and then move forward in life instead of standing still. I'm older now and wiser than I used to be and I know to listen to my elders with an open ear. So maybe I should listen to her.
Still stewing on that issue I mentioned in my last post. I would love to speak more of it but until I get solid assurances I'll leave my thoughts and speculations floating around in my head. It's probably best that I do so, since to do otherwise would be akin to vomiting up a maelstrom of internal conflictions upon this page. I'll be better able to practice the art of restraint in my words at a later date.
The cute juror hasn't called and I am quite sure he won't. As I said, that's okay. I put myself out there and that was the point, after all. I moved beyond my comfort zone a little -- at least that's how Irish referred to it today during a conversation we were having. I think I'll move beyond it a little more and give my old co-worker a call like I said I'd do and go grab a coffee with him. Jesus, it's not like I plan to marry the guy!
Speaking of that, I've been doing some thinking about my reactions to the idea of "dating" and I've come to see that it's never been in me to casually date. I don't really know how! I ended up engaged to the first man I ever really dated. I had a few relationships (2) in between, all serious that broke up for one reason or another, then married the ex. And now here I am. I found something a while ago that I'd written as a teenager that was in response to something my mother had said about dating around. I said that I didn't want to do that, that being in a relationship was what I planned to do and to be serious. I certainly meant what I said, didn't I!
So that is my goal -- my growth experience, if you will. I need to practice the art of casual dating instead of using my normal barometer, which essentially is not consenting to go out with any man that I wouldn't consider a long term choice if it should evolve that direction. I know myself and know that I tend not to make the best choices when my heart becomes involved. I've always thought that making sure the man is decent at the outset was a good weeding process to perform before I get emotions in the mix instead of later on, when I'm swimming in a hormonally stupid fog.
I'm not going to say this will be easy, nor will it be something I'm just going to jump into willy-nilly. I am certainly not in any rush whatsoever. I am still a choosy woman and always will be. I don't want to get involved at this point in my life and I have other directions I intend to go that I've never bothered to pursue before -- my long-ignored career for one. Most importantly I have my daughter. I have no doubt that soon she'll demand even more of my time and attention and I have both to give to her without hesitation. She and I are developing what I think will become an amazing relationship and I won't push it aside for anything in the world.
All I'm saying is this: my ex mother in law told me last night to leave my heart open. This coming from a woman who's spent the entire time I've known her (20 years) completely alone. She's met a man and she's feeling attractive and strong for the first time in a long time and I could hear her joy through the phone last night. She told me she understood my fears of hurting others like I hurt her son, and that I was a wonderful woman who didn't need to shut down or close off and do what she'd done, but just take the time I need to heal and regroup and then move forward in life instead of standing still. I'm older now and wiser than I used to be and I know to listen to my elders with an open ear. So maybe I should listen to her.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
We The Jury
I was finally released from jury duty yesterday evening. I served on a criminal trial, one that (I've been told) received a bit of national attention. It's certainly garnered more than enough attention from the news media in my area of the country. Having avoided the news and radios and the like for the last week, I was not aware of its import in the legal world. I'll be interested in reading about the precedent it may or may not have established as the weeks progress.
I can only say that I did what I was charged to do: follow the law. It wasn't pleasant, it certainly wasn't easy, and sometimes it didn't feel "right" -- and I mean that in the moral sense. I was uncomfortably close with the case at times because the defendant in the case reminded me so much of someone close to me, situationally speaking. But given the facts and the law, we had no choice but to do what we did. I've heard people casually pass judgment on what a person should serve or if they should be convicted or worse, say that if they had served on that jury that it would have been easy for them to just render a decision. I say that any person that can say that has either never served on a criminal jury -- where people's real lives and their families are deeply and permanently affected -- or does not have a vital and necessary component to be an effective jury member: compassion.
That might sound counterproductive. But it is not. Having compassion does not mean that one is incapable of following the law. It does not mean that one would follow one's gut instincts and not be able to peer into the objective facts and abide by the rules that our justice system has put in place. Having compassion is vital because without it, our justice system and the people in it lose their heart. No one holding someone's life in your hands as you weigh the facts should be without it.
I did what I knew I had to do, for the victim and for the defendant. I am comfortable with my decision and it is my passionate hope that some good may come out of it. I had to accept the consequences -- one of which was the opportunity for one of the victim's family members to yell at me and tell me that I made a stupid decision. But my objectivity, and that of the jury I served with, was vital in this case -- and in others -- lest we become a nation of vigilantes and murderers in the name of revenge and pain and loss. I would not like to see that happen.
I chose the legal profession to go into, before doing this....before understanding what it meant. I think I chose the right profession. It's going to be hard, but I feel it's the right choice for me. I also feel that everyone should do what I just had to do. I truly believe that feeling the pain of agonizing over the fact that you hold a person's life in your hands has made me think differently. I think it would be one of those lessons that changes a person. It certainly has changed me.
And oh yes, I met a cute juror. I gave him my number unsolicited by him -- the first time I've ever done that in my entire life! He won't call, I have this feeling that he won't call, but that's all right. It was the doing that was the important thing. Whether he calls or not, I've lost nothing, and I gained a bit of confidence.
And there's another matter heavy on my mind, but that I will save for another day soon. I suspect that within a week I'll be making that matter well known.
I can only say that I did what I was charged to do: follow the law. It wasn't pleasant, it certainly wasn't easy, and sometimes it didn't feel "right" -- and I mean that in the moral sense. I was uncomfortably close with the case at times because the defendant in the case reminded me so much of someone close to me, situationally speaking. But given the facts and the law, we had no choice but to do what we did. I've heard people casually pass judgment on what a person should serve or if they should be convicted or worse, say that if they had served on that jury that it would have been easy for them to just render a decision. I say that any person that can say that has either never served on a criminal jury -- where people's real lives and their families are deeply and permanently affected -- or does not have a vital and necessary component to be an effective jury member: compassion.
That might sound counterproductive. But it is not. Having compassion does not mean that one is incapable of following the law. It does not mean that one would follow one's gut instincts and not be able to peer into the objective facts and abide by the rules that our justice system has put in place. Having compassion is vital because without it, our justice system and the people in it lose their heart. No one holding someone's life in your hands as you weigh the facts should be without it.
I did what I knew I had to do, for the victim and for the defendant. I am comfortable with my decision and it is my passionate hope that some good may come out of it. I had to accept the consequences -- one of which was the opportunity for one of the victim's family members to yell at me and tell me that I made a stupid decision. But my objectivity, and that of the jury I served with, was vital in this case -- and in others -- lest we become a nation of vigilantes and murderers in the name of revenge and pain and loss. I would not like to see that happen.
I chose the legal profession to go into, before doing this....before understanding what it meant. I think I chose the right profession. It's going to be hard, but I feel it's the right choice for me. I also feel that everyone should do what I just had to do. I truly believe that feeling the pain of agonizing over the fact that you hold a person's life in your hands has made me think differently. I think it would be one of those lessons that changes a person. It certainly has changed me.
And oh yes, I met a cute juror. I gave him my number unsolicited by him -- the first time I've ever done that in my entire life! He won't call, I have this feeling that he won't call, but that's all right. It was the doing that was the important thing. Whether he calls or not, I've lost nothing, and I gained a bit of confidence.
And there's another matter heavy on my mind, but that I will save for another day soon. I suspect that within a week I'll be making that matter well known.
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