I've decided on a new place to live. It's a great apartment, three bedrooms -- one for daughter when she comes to stay a few days -- and the layout is great! The price is awesome and the location is good though not primo (meaning I could move a bit more north and have to drive less but this one is across the street from one of daughter's friends and only about 4 miles from my current home.) V and I will move in around mid-July.
I'm excited. My own place. I can decorate my own room, in my own way. I can surround myself in new things with new energy and.....and......oh perhaps it's silly. But I am full of anticipation. A new phase is about to begin. Here's to making it the best new phase that I can.
I'm turning 40 in 5 days. Wow. Talk about a new phase! I'll get back to you on my thoughts about that after the dirty deed is done, hehehe.
The best thing about today? I spent time with my kiddo. She and I talked a bit on the way to an antique mall today and I brought up something I heard her say a few days ago to her. I'd heard her say she wanted to tell some chick in the mall that she was a lesbian -- which was different from being bisexual as she's said in the past -- and I mentioned this to her. I asked her if she still considered herself bi, or if she'd changed her mind and was lesbian. She said that she was lesbian, not bi -- I asked her to clarify that she only liked girls and she said yes, only girls -- and I nodded and said that was fine and then asked her why it had changed. She said it hadn't, just that she was feeling more confident in allowing herself to show her true feelings. I told her that was a good thing, that I was happy for her and that I supported her, and moved the conversation on to other things.
We went into the antique mall and wandered the place, picked out a horseshoe gun rack for her .22, and sat eating together at a little tea room attached to the mall. She tried a goulash-style beef soup and I had a turkey sandwich and we shared -- more like devoured! -- a warm chocolate cake with nutmeg and cinnamon baked in and whipped cream and strawberries on top. Thank the gods she inherited my love of chocolate!
We talked and spent time together. Precious moments. I looked at her across the table and just thought about how proud I am to be her mom. I am so totally un-objective about this kid. She's so great in so many ways and I can't wait to see who she is when she fully becomes her own woman.
On the drive from the mall I told her I wanted her to see the apartment I was thinking about and so we stopped by. She wandered around the place and nodded and I could see she liked it; her eyes were lit up in that way she has when something excites her. She was seeing possibilities and I could see she was thinking about how nice it would be to spend time there. She told the man showing us the place that "her mom was moving out of her dad's place and getting her own place with her friend" and there was no hint of upset or discomfort, she was merely stating fact. I made a mental note of it.
On the drive back to the house I brought it up. "So, kiddo, you are okay with this?"
"Sure I am, mom," she replied.
"Well," I started, not sure really how to start except dive in, "well, I'm glad, because for so many years I was worried about how hurt you would be or how it would damage you forever. I thought you'd hate me. I thought you'd blame me."
"Mom, the only way this would hurt me is if you and dad hated each other. And you don't."
I was quiet a minute, absorbing my daughter's maturity. Then I asked her, "Well, me and your dad aren't angry at each other or anything, you know. But haven't you ever thought that being angry at each other would make more sense? That if we were fighting we could yell I hate you at each other and then just leave? I mean, aren't you the least bit curious about why two people who love each other would still break up?"
"Maybe, mom. Maybe it would make more sense. But I'm glad that's not happening here."
I looked over at her. "Me too, honey. Because I love your dad. I'll always love your dad. And someday soon when you're a bit older I'll sit you down and explain in detail why this is happening if you ever care to know. All you have to do is ask. I figure you're probably old enough now, you are pretty smart, but I'll let you ask me if you want to know. Even your dad has wondered how we tell people what happened, if we're not angry.....how we explain it, you know? And I say it's hard to explain except that...." and here I paused. Gathered my thoughts, and pushed on.
"Well, let me try to explain it this way. You know how sometimes people just grow up and become different than what they were as kids? Adults do it too. It's like for years you wear one pair of pants, your favorite pair, and one day you find you've outgrown them. You didn't want to outgrow them, it just sort of happened. And even though you love them every bit as much as you ever did you can't wear them any longer. So you don't throw them away because you love them so much, you just fold them up in your drawer and keep them forever. But you can't ever wear them again. You just can't. You know?"
"Yeah, mom. I know." She smiled at me and for the first time I could really see and feel the truth of what she was telling me. She was truly okay with it.
And I felt an incredibly huge weight slip off my shoulders.
((Song: "Frank Sinatra" by Cake. Lyrics here:
http://artists.letssingit.com/cake-frank-sinatra-kn92jg5 ))
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