A few more days have passed. I'm going one day at a time and it's bearable. There are times that I am enjoying taking that deep breath and realizing I am free of all that baggage that I carried around concerning my ex-friend. Then there are other times that I think back to the times we laughed and shared and bonded and it makes me want to cry in a strange mixture of loss and frustration. I find myself dwelling on those times and wondering what the hell happened.
But there are other things in my life now that need my attention. Hub and I spoke of the cutoff date for me to leave the house. We agreed that it would be best for our teenaged daughter (who can pick where she wants to live and has so far chosen to stay with her dad) if I left for a month or so prior to her going back to school. Even though she is aware that her dad and I are going to be splitting, I've been here at the house and nothing has really changed. Hub said he worried that she was making the decision to stay with him because it was the only thing she knew and that she does not realize the gap that my absence would make in her life. He wanted to be sure she made an informed decision and so if I left for a month or so before we filed any paperwork or anything, she'd be better able to gauge who she wanted to live with. He also admitted that he needed the time too, to learn how to handle many things that I have handled the last 17 years -- bills, nightly meals, housework, our daughter's schedule, etc. He said it would be just as good a training period for him.
I couldn't argue with that. I, too, want our daughter to choose what she wants -- even if that is to go back and forth between us at her leisure. Hub and I both have her as our first priority. I want him to make the transition as easily as it can be done as well. He's been really great during this and he told me that I've also been more than accommodating. He told his family about all the choices I've made that I did not have to so that everything was as easy as possible for all of us. His family said I was always welcome in their house, and my parents have said that hub is always welcome in theirs.
All in all this could be so much worse than it has been. It is a testament to both of us that it isn't. I look at my hub -- how he is handling this with such grace even though I know he doesn't wish to split -- and I think to myself that it is an example of how I should act with my ex-friend. Even though I am the one hurting -- even though I am the one that feels wronged and invalued -- there were two of us and hence, two perspectives. I will not succumb to my more vicious, hurtful instincts. I know I'll feel better about myself and my actions over the long term if I accept with grace.
Now to find a job and get on with things. I am on a deadline. Haha, hub does know me well. I need deadlines. I was taking it easy, staying around because I didn't have anything really pushing me to go. I have to thank him for that as well. He really is such a good man.
But I just don't feel that spark anymore. More fool me.
Lastly, a fabulous Dorothy Parker poem from Pretty Number's blog (see my sidebar):
Unfortunate Coincidence
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying ---
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
((Song: "Strangerman" by Ringside. Lyrics here:
http://www.ringsideband.com/discography/?assetid=907118&count=1&exp=track&songid=23097&lyric=true ))
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