What Drives You On Can Drive You Mad

It's funny how such small things can send you into a tailspin.

I got a small note from my ex-friend BiB yesterday. There wasn't anything personal in it (it was literally only one sentence in length) but just to see it in my inbox? Before I opened it I felt that sickly sort of mixed feeling of dread/anticipation start churning in my gut, and my breath caught in my throat. Gahhh.

So I opened it, read it. Sat there a moment before I realized that a smile had started to settle on my lips. Though the note said nothing, it said something......if that makes sense. It said we haven't spoken for nearly a month now and BiB's still reading the last note I sent and it was saying BiB probably thought I was going to cave and get back in touch and was just now starting to realize that I was serious. It was saying that BiB was thinking about me. And that was why the smile was on my face.

Yes, I'll admit it. I want BiB to think about me. I don't want to be an afterthought, I want to be a regret. I want to feel confident that BiB realizes that what happened between us was a direct result of my unwillingness to accept the kind of treatment I was receiving. I think this -- an extension of contact this far removed from our last communication -- is a bit of acknowledgement that all of that is already clear to BiB.

That is, if I'm not just making a mountain out of a molehill (gee like I've never done that before.) Sometimes a sentence is just that......a sentence.

I want to say that this thing doesn't bother me that much but I'd be lying and I don't feel like lying to myself much anymore. BiB matters a hell of a lot to me and what BiB thinks of me and about me matters a hell of a lot to me. I know it's best that things are the way they are but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

It also doesn't mean I'll be re-establishing contact. I'll respond to the sentence with a sentence, as politeness is called for in this instance. But I won't be using this as a springboard to try to reconnect. That ball is not in play in my court. It is in BiB's.


((Song: "Stupid Girl" by Garbage. Lyrics here:
http://www.garbage.com/discog/?v=so&a=1&id=6 ))