For ease of further posting, from now on I'll efer to my ex-friend as BiB. I don't know how many times I can type "ex-friend" without getting writer's cramp. Hah!
Yesterday I went to look at a few apartments. I just took a cursory look to get some idea of what my salary range for new jobs needs to be. I won't do any serious looking until tomorrow afternoon.
I am planning to move in with a longtime friend of mine that I'll call V. He was present at the birth of my daughter and is just back from a decade-long stint in the military. He needs to find a job and settle into civilian life. I need to find someone to share expenses, and so does he. Hub doesn't mind this either -- he and I talked about it -- because unlike finding a roommate that neither one of us knows too well, he also knows that V is trustworthy around our daughter. That is a huge, huge plus. V won't be bringing back a lot of unknown people to the apartment and introducing a lot of strangers into my daughter's life.
Living with him will be interesting, for sure. I've had other friends of mine living with me in my house over the years and with only a few exceptions -- most notably the easy fun I had living with my best friend -- the relationship between us became a bit more strained than it had been prior to cohabitation. I don't want that to happen here but I'm a difficult person to live with, I'll admit. I like things done in my home the way I want them done. I'm organized and particular. Of course V's been in the military, which is nothing if not organized. I mentioned these concerns to V -- and will continue to do so as issues present -- and V told me to make lists for him and he'll do those things without complaint. He said he preferred that since he was used to lists and orders. Ha! I'll see if that's true!
Looking past the other more surface issues, and though I know that I need a roommate for practical purposes, I have this urge to have my own space after nearly 20 years of living with somone else. What if I want to bellydance for exercise? What if I want to lounge around in my sweats without a bra as I do in my own home now since I hatehatehate bras outside of public life? Will I feel comfortable doing that with V around? I doubt it. Grrrr. Hub says it'll be different making a new home with someone rather than having that person move into my existing personal space. He says that territorial urge won't be there. Perhaps he's right but my control issues are pretty strong at times. V and I might butt heads a few times.
At any rate, I can deal with it for a year. This is not a forever thing. I'll know more about how I feel and where I want to go a year from now than I do right now. Everything is very unstable in my head nowadays. I'll need the breathing space and distance.
Speaking of my daughter, hub told me something about her this morning. Last evening the two of them took a walk with the dogs around the neighborhood and had a chat about the choice that she will have about living with him or with me. He mentioned to her that she and I had a close relationship and he said she screwed up her face and said in a disbelieving, sarcastic tone of voice, "What? Me and Mom? No way."
Ouch. Things like this hit me in the gut.
I know she's only 14. I know that she's hurting about this whole thing regardless of what she allows to show. I know she probably harbors some protective feelings over her father -- I did with mine when my parents fought and it seemed my mother was being ridiculously harsh and demanding. I realize that she might think I am "at fault" here for breaking up her family. I can't even defend my position internally and say that she isn't right. That sort of thing strikes at the heart of me because of my own guilt feelings even as I soldier on, knowing that I am doing what needs to be done. And it hurts me that I hurt people I love. Especially that I have to hurt her. I feel so selfish.
I just hope one day she understands.
When she was 11-12 and I was wrapped up in my own depression, trying to come to a conclusion about where my life was going to go and if I could continue doing what I had been doing for years, I saw nothing past that and neglected her a lot. She and I were close and then we weren't. Now she is guarded with me for the most part -- guarded with most people. Did I contribute to that part of her personality? Did she develop a hard shell to deal with the rejection she felt? Or was she those things already and I just amplified them? I don't know, but it eats at me. My god, being responsible for another life is such a huge thing.
I know I am a selfish person. Perhaps I should never have been a mother. I think about that in my darker moments when I think I've placed her in my peripheral vision. I keep resolving to include her more fully in my life and I do for a while. Then it fades away around the day to day humdrum stuff and she's just there, a "for granted." Perhaps that's normal for people to do, and perhaps it's also good for her. Perhaps it teaches her a valuable lesson regarding entitlement -- that the sun doesn't rise and set upon her 24/7. Then again, perhaps it teaches her that it seems her mother doesn't give a shit about her. I don't know.
I am breaking away from some of the things that suffocated me. I want to be that person I know I am. Baby steps. I've begun to make promises to myself and keep them. My daughter is the biggest promise I ever made.
I intend to talk to V about getting a third bedroom.
((Song: "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson. Lyrics here:
http://www.kellyclarkson.com/main.php?em995=33311_-1__0_~0_-1_6_2007_0_0&content=album&album=33241&em977=33241_0__0_~0_-1 ))
No comments:
Post a Comment