Who am I kidding?
We are people after all, he and I. We need the passion and the fury. We need to feel needed. I need it just as badly as he does. I try to deny it but it's true.
He needs someone else that gives him the things that I can't any longer. Can't and don't want to give. Here I am, asking him to give up things he needs for a woman whose love doesn't give him all the desires of his heart, who can't love him in all the ways he deserves to be loved and desires to be loved -- with all five loves, with her whole soul. What right do I have to ask that of him?
The guilt I feel for pretending to be the woman he married and not the woman I have become is too heavy a burden for me to bear any longer. He wouldn't wait for me to leave him if he knew the extent of my deception. He would be the one to leave. I don't deserve him and I know it. So for all that he's given me, I will grant him this last gift and walk away before I hurt him any longer. I love him too much not to.
I am tired. So very tired.
((Song: "Walk Away" by Ben Harper. Lyrics here:
http://www.benharper.net/?page=music§ion=lyrics&id=10 ))
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