Telling My Whole Life...

I was reading blogs this evening and I liked the "Old Tape" idea that Poly puts forward in his blog (which is fantastic, by the way, since I know a couple much like them personally.) Read it here: http://perverselypoly.blogspot.com/2007/06/old-tapes.html

But this post is really about AlwaysArousedGirl. I was reading AAG's blog this evening (see my sidebar, people!) and something she said struck such a deep chord in me that I had to copy it and give credit where credit is most certainly due:

"Sometimes I think I should never have gone down this path. I should have stayed frozen, married, dead (or at least dying) toward sex. Having touch and intimacy and then giving it up is too much sometimes. That’s the danger. That’s what wounds me.

I want to believe that actions have the ability to move backward and forward through time, shoring up (though not completely fixing) past damage and foreshadowing future happinesses. I want to believe that no matter how brief those amazing moments are, they help."

This explains a lot more about me than I will ever be able to share in this place.

I can say that these thoughts apply so very deeply to BiB and I. I've often wondered if BiB was meant to come into my life to give me the amazing moments that we shared. I have trouble remembering them without pain at this time, sure, but I know eventually the pain will wash out like dirt in old denim. When it does I'll be left with something lived-in, familiar and comfortable, and every faded stain will be a badge I'll point to that brings back warm memories. I look forward to that. When I get there -- and I will -- I'll celebrate the fact that BiB was a part of my life and even more than that, was the matchbook being struck that illuminated my correct path. I hope one day I'll be able to find BiB again and say thank you. And mean it.

My heartfelt thanks, AAG, for placing the last years of my life into a few simple but poignantly beautiful paragraphs.


((Song: "Killing Me Softly" by Roberta Flack. Lyrics here:
http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/killingm.htm ))