First, the appetizers:
Playtime with HD last night. The man is a treasure. He whets my desires. I can hear his sexy accent in my head. He's curious, impulsive, impish. Up for absolutely anything. I just know he'd be a treat. Ahhhhh, my kingdom for just a taste!
I'm going to go visit Grey this weekend. I'm soooooo looking forward to it.
Kiddo texts me today. "Mom, I need cookie dough." I'm thinking it's for school, another one of those godawful sales pitch things. I text her back and ask what she's selling it for. Her answer: "Not selling it, I want some real bad." Then I start laughing when it sinks in; she's craving it. She's such a goof.
My stbx is such a great guy, it's going to be hard to find someone that can hold a candle to him. Or maybe I just like the view of me that I see in his eyes even though I know it's not the right one.
And now on to the meat and potatoes:
In my comments section from my last entry, D mentioned that women hold the power of sex. Yes, they do. I'm not sure I want to wield it, though, at least not long term. It's like a sword. I want to take it up at the beginning and indulge in it when it's sharp and strong and vital and the taste of it is sweet, and then when it dulls, leave the thing hidden away in its sheath where I don't have to see it or even remember it's there.
Too bad that men can't do that.
How on earth do I reconcile all these conflicting desires? I want sex, but I can't stand it. I hate that it exists, but I require it. I need it as a means by which I feel sexy and desired or to feel my power over a man, but when that initial rush fades its appearance makes me feel only resentment. When I submit to it after the initial rush fades and it begins to feel obligatory I get revolted at myself and push the other person away. When I see what men do in its clutches I am disdainful of it, and of them.
So what do I do? I avoid the whole thing. It's so much easier.
Those men that hit on me? I want them to hit on me,sure, but when they do, for the most part, they disgust me. They don't care about me, not really -- all they want is what I can provide. They're out on the prowl, wanting meat. I paint them all with one brush. Yes, I know it's wrong of me to do so but I do it nevertheless. I know it's an overreaction on my part. I know it stems from the love/hate relationship I've had with sex and my own desires or more accurately, their lack thereof. I don't want to feel obligated to continue to provide anything when my desire wanes (as I know it will, it always has) and I know that no matter what any of them say, it all comes down to that eventually. Most relationships are obligations, an unspoken contract if not a spoken, sign-on-the-dotted-line one -- "I'll provide the security you want, you provide the continual sex that I want." It is as simple as that.
Yet I don't know if I can go through life without having any relationships. I don't know that I'm the type of woman that can find satisfaction without forging a deep connection with someone. I should be, given my feelings on the matter -- I should try to be the type to enjoy only casual encounters or short-term, passionate relationships, fleeing when the boredom or the obligation sets in. I want to be, I know I need to be! But wanting and being able to are not the same. I don't think I could be even if I tried. I'm not sure of that yet, or course -- I haven't found someone like that yet -- so maybe it's possible with the right guy, I don't know.
Then there's the whole thing of my feelings getting involved. I find myself falling for a man, imagining something longterm, imagining it would be "different" with him, forgetting that eventually what I feel will fade as the obligations and realities set in. You see, I want to be someone special, not everyday, not just a fuck. I need to be respected as well as desired. I want a man consumed with me but I want the trust and love and support. I want all that just like everyone else does.
And we come to my ultimate Catch-22, the one I can't seem to figure out how to resolve to my satisfaction. Any relationship I try to forge in the future will be subject to this same simple rule: this deep connection I long for has to come with a long-term sexual obligation. It has to in order for the other person to flourish within it. This I know. So what are my choices? Refuse to do it and lose the other person because they would not be able to feel loved and needed and desired, as is their right. Or sit silently, continue to do it even when my desire fades? Only resentment and pain lies down that path, I've been there and done that. It was how I lost my marriage.
Catch-22.
Holy shit, am I ever fucked up.
((Song: "The Reflex" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here:
http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/TheReflex.html ))
1 comment:
You're not fucked up. These are merely your particular challenges, which are not insurmountable. In counseling/therapy they say to look for the pattern in what is not working and to interrupt it. Sometimes you can change one piece of the puzzle and the whole picture changes.
Maybe the desire fading has less to do with sex and more to do with changes in the relationship? My B/F and I were talking about this the other day - it seems that men eventually pull away attention and women eventually pull away sex. Each resents the other when this happens, and responds in kind.
I think you're right about the deal that gets made between men and women - sex for security. Some men resent providing security and see all women as gold diggers, in the same way that women can resent giving sex and see all men as selfish pigs (been there done that for awhile ;)
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