A simple little word, nice sound, two syllables. Easy to say but a bitch to make. And even when made, so much more of a bitch to follow through on. I've mentioned that I'm not a follow-through sort of gal unless within certain circumstances, haven't I? Yes you have. Okay. Just so that's out there before I go on.
Lately I have been surrounded by a few instances of people in my life who are (or did) have difficulty making decisions. It's funny how decisions are so simple when you're listening to someone talking about their problems; how that light of clarity shines right down and you can tell them matter-of-factly that "this is what you should do!" Yet when applied to your own life and circumstances, your clarity is at best a genie....popping in and out whenever it damn well feels like it. Because whether you're 10 or 40, you live in your heart as well as your head and you are convinced that your life is different -- and why? Because you are invested in it so deeply. You don't have that sort of investment in the lives of those people you give advice to. There's a vast difference between saying "should" and saying "will." Part of that difference is being willing to embrace change. And we all know how hard that is.
I went to the counselor on Friday and actually came away feeling very confident in my ability to work with her. I am hopeful that I can begin to work some changes in my own life and for the first time in well over a year I am ready to consider this. I have a few goals in mind for these sessions and with my natural first-burst excitement of any new project, I feel like I could do anything. I know I tend to get the wind knocked out of my sails over time, and I really do not want that to happen here. I want to follow through. No, more than that. I absolutely need to follow through. Much more is at risk than has been for...ohh.....longer than I can remember.
My primary goal is to make decisions independently. For a woman my age, that sounds laughable. I should there's that nasty word again be very capable in that by now, shouldn't I? Perhaps. But here's the rub: I am convinced that learning to depend upon themselves and trust their own judgement -- as well as being able to work through conflicting feelings -- is the hardest thing that women face. I think it is natural for us to think collectively and we subsume our own inner desires and needs because we cannot bear to sacrifice (or even take a chance on sacrificing) our social networks and interpersonal relationships. We are willing to adapt to the needs of others -- indeed, we are happy when we do so, and those feelings spur us on to even greater effort! And I don't think men really ever do feel this aspect of the biological urge for the approval of others. I think their aspect of the approval of others is more competitive (with other men) and protective (with women.) But in both cases with men, they learn early on to seek their own internal compass and follow it, and trust in it. Women trust in the opinions of others and end up never truly letting their own internal guide develop.
Example: watch even a young boy. When asked, he will look you in the eye and tell you what he wants. He won't give a rat's ass if everyone else in the room wants something different. He will state his opinion, his thoughts, his feelings, all because they are his. Now watch even a young girl. When asked what she wants or thinks or feels, what does she do? Watch her eyes. They slide to her mother or father or friends as she gauges what the "feel" of the room wants, what her friends want to do, how she can phrase her answer to best please the multitude. She might have an opinion and might state it -- yes, some girls do -- but the vast majority learn quickly that they lose their social networks and risk their acceptance if they do not. They learn to want what others want. I have a daughter, an independent one for sure, but I see it in her just like I see it in so many of my daughter's friends and my friend's daughters. I see it in their mothers. And I see it in me.
I suggest that, at least in part, women DO know what they want; they just find themselves unable to assert themselves because their fear of losing the others in their lives and that social and emotional support network is their most instinctual drive. It can be compared to a man's sexual impulse as one of the most basic, primordial urges he has, one he follows purely without conscious thought every time his eyes stray to a woman's body.
I will even go so far as to say that since in many cases a woman's trust in her internal compass never develops, women can lose their sense of themselves and who they are. Or worse, they can know it exists, know or feel what is there, and stifle it. But what one wants eventually will out. Men wonder why so many women are "lying bitches" or "wishy-washy" sorts. Well, unable to assert her own desires, she lies, saying one thing to please and doing another to please herself. She says she thinks or feels one way but acts in a different manner -- leading men to think she does not know what she wants. She is not doing this consciously in many instances any more than a man is consciously imagining himself fucking any number of women. It just happens. It just is. It is who we are as biological beings. But what does matter is that it is something that we can realize and control when we attain the confidence and the awareness that it is something that we need to adjust to be happier and more self-sufficient.
When does that time arrive? For me, it is arriving now. I know that I must somehow manage to separate myself from all the other people in my life and figure out what "I" want. I do not mean that I should forget about my daughter's needs; of course not, for she is the one person that matters to me and should. All the others are adults, and we can all manage ourselves. But I find that I am unduly influenced by what others want, what they need, how I could hurt them, how I think they would feel. I have to make decisions based on what I know will follow and what I know I need as opposed to subsuming myself again for the good of the whole. Men do this all the time. It can be done.
So this is what I want to learn this year. Trust in my own judgement. Learn to feel the "me" and not imagine how others would feel and do what would only be good for them. I've done that for.....well....for as long as I can recall. Time to get in touch with the truth of me and stop the lies.
When does that time arrive? For me, it is arriving now. I know that I must somehow manage to separate myself from all the other people in my life and figure out what "I" want. I do not mean that I should forget about my daughter's needs; of course not, for she is the one person that matters to me and should. All the others are adults, and we can all manage ourselves. But I find that I am unduly influenced by what others want, what they need, how I could hurt them, how I think they would feel. I have to make decisions based on what I know will follow and what I know I need as opposed to subsuming myself again for the good of the whole. Men do this all the time. It can be done.
So this is what I want to learn this year. Trust in my own judgement. Learn to feel the "me" and not imagine how others would feel and do what would only be good for them. I've done that for.....well....for as long as I can recall. Time to get in touch with the truth of me and stop the lies.
((Song: "Shelf In The Room" by Days of the New. Lyrics here: http://www.oddrealm.com/dotn/lyrics.html#Shelf))
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