There's Nothing to Keep Us Tied Here Now

I had my second counseling session yesterday afternoon. It went about like I expected, with a few gems that made me think as I left the office.

One, I'm not half as in tune with my feelings and my understandings about myself as I'd believed. Well.....yes, I am. But I am verrrrry good at denial. Good to the point of scary good. I have lots of parts of me that all feel different things about this so-called "revelation." Part of me is a bit shaken, part of me is disappointed in myself, part of me is determined to look upon what will be revealed in all honesty (as I've always "prided" myself on being able to do), part of me is scared shitless at doing just that for fear of what I've been hiding.....and a last part? A last sick little part of me is perversely proud. You go, girrrrrl!

Oh, good grief.

Another thing my counsellor -- from now on known as P -- mentioned: something called the four R's of dealing with feelings when in a relationship with someone that you want to invest in, especially in the romantic sense. She says that women implement these a lot more than men do because of their natural/societal pressure to conform, but that often men do these too with even less ability to see the pattern of it:

First, Repression. For example, say you're with your SigOther. He tells a joke that you've heard countless times but for the sake of politeness and consideration to him, you say nothing but smile and pretend to laugh again. You hold back what you would really like to say, which is "Jesus Christ stop telling that stupid joke, and please do me the favor of recalling that you've told me that joke before, it's like you don't even remember what you say to me!"

Second, Resentment. This begins to come into play when he continues to tell that joke, and you begin to think that yes indeedy, he's not remembering what you've told each other in those private moments. You begin to wonder what ELSE he's not remembering. It begins to seem like you're not important enough in his eyes to bother.

Third, Rejection. You go from resenting the joke itself, to building a scenario about your SigOther himself. "Yep," you tell yourself, "he's a class-A jerk. This is just another example of what an ass he is in almost every aspect of his relationship with me." And you pull out your little internal whiteboard and start keeping tabs of all the times he's fucked up. It's no longer about just one little joke.

And fourth, Regression. Of all of them, this one is the most difficult to really see. It's because you begin to operate in a form of denial. The denial is often so pure and strong that you really do think you've moved past all the old resentments and issues. You say, "Ohhhh, whatever was I reacting so harshly for! Of course it isn't me, that is just who he is. He's such a good guy and I know that I'm lucky to have him and I should just count my blessings and stop complaining about how hard I have it."

I've been in the third and fourth phases for a long time now. A looooong time. In the last year, I'd begun seeing Stage 4 for what it was, but had not really known how to put a definition on what I had been feeling.

As to where I go from here, I am unsure. But I do know that this is one of the scariest times in my life. Put up or shut up, do or die, authenticity or denial. Socrates, here I come! Whooohooo!

And as an aside (and since I am thinking about being authentic, this is a good snippet about finding yourself) that I found at http://men.msn.com/articlebl.aspx?cp-documentid=822353:

"The secret is to become a self-seeker. Though the psycho-brains differ on details, there's general agreement that we have to move toward authenticity, toward an expression of our uniqueness....Carl Jung, the Swiss sultan of psyche, called the process individuation, or the coming to self.

"Here's the quickie version of Jung's model. In youth, we assemble a persona, a public face that helps us get along...behind this mask, we suppress all our neuroses, dreads, and the stuff that's too dark, artistic, or just plain odd for polite company.

"As long as things go well, this works. But once the persona starts screwing up (e.g., lets us get fired or divorced), all those stifled secrets, once willing to shut up, start shouting up from the basement. To move from young...to maturity, we've got to (1) hear those till-now smothered voices, and (2) do at least some of what they tell us to. The trick, by Jung, is to divest the self of the false wrappings of the persona. Time to set the self free."

((Song: "Whither Vulcan" by Remy Zero. Lyrics here:
http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/Whither-Vulcan-lyrics-Remy-Zero/3E8B50F4CA0E958948256C6800300C55))