They Said They Were Friends of Mine

Thinking about a quote I found on a blog that I read at http://www.graceundressed.blogspot.com/. Here is what she said....

"At the same time, a person who can disappear from your life on their whim without warning or explanation doesn't make a very good friend. Or not for someone like me, who gets pretty attached to the people I like."

Yeah.

I've been thinking about this particular relationship for some time now, about becoming friends, staying friends, what makes a good friend and what makes a bad one. How people look at being friends and how they define what friendship means to them. I said it best to a friend of mine this evening. Funny, those words: "friend of mine," when this person is the one that I'm doing all the wondering about:

[19:19] My "friend": we're friends yeah
[19:19] My "friend": but not sit down and pour out our lives friends
[19:20] Me: I think that that is the only kind of friend I know. Friends are those people to me. That is why, I think, that the difficulties are arising. Because a person i say hello to and talk to in game or in here? They aren't my friends. I have no real deep care or concern or interest in their lives or their doings. But my real friends, I do. Three dimensions.
[19:22] Me: I care about them that way, and i want them to care about me in that way. I can just talk to any old person in channel about surface bullshit. Boring, and useless, and absolutely meaningless. I need more from my friends than that. And you just aren't willing to give it. And though it makes me sad, I have really begun to see that.

Yes, I'm seeing it. It hurts. It hurts in places that no one really likes to talk about. But it was telling that as the conversation ended and I sat alone staring at the screen and letting myself really feel, I felt a sense of loss that was all threaded through with futility and the beginnings of acceptance. I am beginning to accept. I don't want to. I'm not a quitter when it comes to those that I care about. But it was like Under The Palms said in her blog about a painting. I've still got value no matter who has decided to relegate me to a box in the attic instead of hanging me up on the wall.

Perhaps that choice was made because I'd let that friend down too. I had. That friend is still very hesitant about investing in me, as honesty has never been my strong point. And though right now I am being as honest with this person as I can and/or have been, perhaps that boy has called wolf one too many times. For that, I need -- and will-- accept responsibility. If it has cost me a friendship, then it is a cost I have no choice but to pay.

I just wish that I could have a magic wand.

((Song: "Friends of Mine" by Duran Duran. Lyrics here: http://www.geocities.com/ladyxanax13/Lyrics/FriendsOfMine.html))