Gotta keep faith that your path will change....

A few nattering things before I go into my post:

I'm still playing with the templates in this place and I'm sure I'll change them like underwear or socks for a while until I find one I like. Actually, I want to create my own but since I know absolutely nil about html, it might take a while. It's probably best to stop sinking myself into online roleplaying games and learn some honest skills. Keeping the mind active and all, right?

Music is a touchstone in my life. Music connects me to me as well as connecting me to the important people and events in my life, past and present. I use it to find comfort, to dwell in pain, to explore perspectives, to find words to thoughts and feelings unexpressed, and to shine a light upon things that like to hide in darkness. So in here, I'll use it to find my blog post titles, and I'll try to provide lyrics whenever possible. And I fully intend to have posts in here about certain groups and songs that resonate for me at certain times.

"A little cheese with that whine." Oh yes, I'll whine in here. It's my party and I'll whine if I want to. But I'll try to whine constructively, won't I, me? Good luck with that.

Oh, and about those little asides. Yeah, I'll talk to myself. It's healthy!

Now to the post, short but sweet since work is calling. I've got an appointment with a counseler today, the first one I've ever seen. I've always prided myself on working through my own issues, even if it took a while. I'm very self-aware though not very goal-oriented, I tend to procrastinate and/or operate under the assumption that if I don't do anything about something for long enough it will fade away under the weight of apathy. You're lazy. Okay, okay......lazy.

Yes, I've been lazy for the last decade, ignoring things long enough and letting them slip silently back underground. That's been successful for me inasmuch that I can be genuinely happy for another few years (sometimes as much as 4-6 years.) But then, just like a phoenix rises from the ashes or a zombie that keeps rising from the same damned grave up come those same old issues though they might have a slightly different face -- or perhaps they just turn a different profile to me. This has happened three times now since the early 90's. And you know, I'm tired of it now. I've learned it is not going away. Time to turn my body and face it full-on. Hence the counselling.

That, and the issues I am dealing with now are a lot larger that I have been accustomed to dealing with. I hesitate to use the word depression but I also know that it has taken me a year to pull myself out of feeling numb and lost. A year nearly to the day. January of last year hit me hard and I hope that I can begin to see a light at the end of a long tunnel. But, but.....don't forget about.... oh yes. Well. For one thing, the past and the present and the future are not points in time for me. They blend so deeply in my psyche. There are many things that I can rearrange in my thoughts and my feelings but that is immutable. It is who I am.

Embracing me. That is my goal now. Staring at my Shadow Self and welcoming her, really welcoming her instead of paying lip service to the process like I've done in the past. First step is to go to see someone, say I need help, and then not letting things fucking slide.

Let's get to it then.


((SONG: "Tomorrow" by James. Find the lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsdownload.com/james-tomorrow-lyrics.html))